The Hidden Truths About Divorce Nobody Tells You

The Hidden Truths About Divorce Nobody Tells You

Truth about divorce

The Hidden Truths About Divorce Nobody Tells You

 

Dou know somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody who’s gone through a nasty divorce?

What if there are other truths about divorce? 

Those stories, along with TV, media, and our personal experiences, make us think that everything about divorce must be negative.  

I say, double thumbs down to that belief. 👎 👎

Yes, divorce can be hard. This post is about helping you understand the hidden truth about divorce that we don’t hear about often enough.  

Discover 10 realities that may change your perspective on divorce as you’re going through it. 

What if you could put a glass on a therapist’s office door, read their session notes, or jump into their brains and discover what they want all their patients to know about divorce? 

Here’s your chance🤫. 

4 min read: Prefer the audio summary of this blog post – sign up for the FIIRM Hero Newsletter & Private Podcast to HEAR what this post is all about when you don’t have time to read it.

 

 

1. Truth About Divorce: Change Is the New Comfort Zone

 

Many view divorce as a massive failure or the end of happiness. 

On the contrary, therapists often see it as a transition to something better. I remember a conversation with my therapist about divorce, and we talked about the idea of a marriage reaching its expiration. 

I saw that perspective as a light bulb moment – it felt like a hidden truth about marriage and divorce. 

Embracing change can lead you to live more authentically in your next chapter.

The change in seasons brings hope and joy for some and despair for others.

I think the orange, red & brown leaves on trees in the fall are gorgeous, but maybe you prefer full green trees.

Adjusting your perspective can transform fear into hope, showing you the way—not the obstacle. 

 

image depicting change

Download our Divorce Support Pack  to get started on finding the right resources to help you.

 

 

2. Healthy Communication Is Underrated

 

In my last two blog posts, I’ve talked about the importance of communication. Well here we go again. 

Here’s another perspective, being ‘heard’ without truly ‘listening’ doesn’t solve problems.

According to therapists, the truth about divorce is that active listening is the real hero. 

It involves empathy, open-ended questions, and patience.

Next time you feel like giving your partner an earful, pause, breathe, and actively listen instead—it could save more than just the day! 

It could save you time and money as you move through the divorce process. 

Woman Wearing Teal Dress Sitting on Chair Talking to Man
 

3. Not So Hidden Truth About Divorce: Your Children Are Watching EVERYTHING

 

When your kids are adults, you hear about all the things they noticed that you didn’t know about. 

If you have kids, it’s crucial to stay mindful of their perspective. They’re the unsuspecting audience for your drama. 

A real-life experience to learn from:

Criticisms of your partner – save it for your friends, not your kids. 

I’m not suggesting you fake the funk – just think of your disputes like an X rated movie that you wouldn’t want them to see.

Model the behavior you want them to reenact in their future relationship. Even though my parents never married, my mom didn’t disparage my father in front of me as I was growing up. 

I sincerely appreciate that!

 

parents fighting in front of the kid
 

4. Self-Care: Don’t Neglect It

 

Yup, it’s time to Fire up that bubble bath, grab your favorite book, and indulge in some you-time. Therapists recommend prioritizing self-care amid the chaos.

The truth about divorce that is not talked about enough is that your emotional tank needs to be refueled.

Hit the gym, have a spa day, or just binge-watch Netflix guilt-free!

Go to your sister’s house and sit in the spare room with the door locked. If your sister’s house is chaotic, find a reasonable hotel deal. 

Treat yourself with kindness—your future self will thank you.

 

black woman relaxing in the bathtub
 

5. Divorce Truth: A Mediator Could Be Your Fairy Godparent 🧝

 

Mediators can seem like the magical heroes of the divorce realm. They swoop in with their neutral wand, resolving conflicts you thought were unsolvable.

Therapists suggest embracing mediation early to minimize drama and bolster fair resolutions.

Your mediator is not the judge or the jury, but they are a savvy neutral, ensuring a more harmonious outcome when emotions run high. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo indeed!

Most divorces CAN be settled out of court. That’s a truth about divorce that doesn’t get talked about enough.

 

marriage counseling
 

6. Closure is Found, Not Given

 

Seeking closure is like trying to grab a shadow. Therapists advocate creating your own closure instead of waiting for it. 

Journaling, therapy sessions, and new experiences can help weave closure into your post-divorce tapestry.

Embrace the chance to move forward, not by waiting for something from the past, but by redefining your future path.

The hard truth is that you may never understand why your marriage didn’t work. 

 

7. Unpopular Truth: Co-Parenting Does Not Equal Friendship

 

Not all exes can be friends. Not all exes need to be friends. 

Confusing co-parenting with rekindling friendship often leads to murky waters. Therapists suggest drawing clear, healthy boundaries.

Focus on building a functional co-parenting relationship rather than striving for friendship.

Hard truth: Mind your business unless it impacts your kids. 😉😉

That’s not to say you can’t get along—just don’t force a relationship.

Partnership in parenting is powerful enough alone!

 

8. Your Single Identity is a Superpower🪄

 

Flying solo doesn’t mean losing your power! On the contrary, therapists encourage embracing your uniqueness during singlehood.

Uncover strengths, passions, and the self-love journey—your cape is already sewn!

Losing the title of wife does not negate the incredible woman you are. 

If you’ve been dying to redecorate – now’s your chance. 

Hated going to the local dive bar with your soon-to-be-ex – no need to go anymore. 

This is an opportunity to know you better and embrace empowerment as your very own superhero in the making.

 

Multiethnic couple arguing on street
 

9. Give Grief The Space It Deserves

 

It’s okay to grieve; it’s part of healing. 

It might hit you 2 hours after you sign the papers, 2 weeks later or both. 

Just in case, it hits same day – you might want to take off of work. Trying to lead a meeting, present a new idea or provide constructive feedback to a team member the day your divorce is final could be a recipe for disaster.

Don’t suppress the feelings – give them the space they deserve. 

The divorce truth that most don’t share with us is that doing so may allow you to heal faster. 

Remember, you’re not alone, seriously!

Relying on friends and family provides emotional grounding. 

Therapists often encourage building a supportive network that uplifts and guides during tough times.

A strong support system not only stabilizes but also accelerates the recovery process. Consider it your emotional shock absorber.

frgiveness
 

10. Hard Truth About Divorce: Forgiveness is for You, Not Them

 

The ultimate irony? Forgiveness liberates you, not your ex. It lightens your emotional load, according to therapists. 

Instead of harboring resentment, think of forgiveness as a freeing gift to yourself, bringing peace amid the turmoil.

With forgiveness, you pave not just a smoother path for your future, but a more joyous one too.

 

11. Financial Engagement: Your New Best Friend

 

You’re the CFO now. 

Bills, assets, and accountability—oh my! You need to know your assets and debts inside-out, pre & post divorce. 

Getting financially savvy not only avoids future conflicts but also sets you free to confidently plan the next big chapter of your life.

You don’t have to manage your money the way you did as a married couple. Learn new ways!

 

12. Therapy Isn’t a Taboo, It’s a Tool

 

Shaking off the stigma around therapy is more crucial than ever.

Therapy provides essential tools for dealing with the seismic shifts divorce brings, like a personal life coach dedicated to helping you find balance.

It’s an investment in your future self—sometimes, the best lessons come with just a bit of vulnerability and openness.

Woman Doing Hand Heart Sign
 

Take FIIRM Action to Get Through Your Divorce

 

Divorce can be the ultimate catalyst for reinvention. 

But first – reflection. Reflection allows you to learn from mistakes, forgive past madness, and pursue a brighter future.

Reflect on these insights, apply what resonates and chart your own path with courage and grace.

Don’t suppress anything. Be patient with yourself. 

Think about the ocean. It’s vast and hard to really picture how big it is.

It’s also hard to imagine how you’re going to manage all the emotions you’re going to feel.

As the proverb goes, tears water the flowers of the future. Let yourself feel the feels. 

Instead of suppressing pain or pushing it aside, giving it room helps to truly let go when the time comes.

Let the ocean fill up with your emotions. Just hold off on the pollutants though. 😉

 

Check out our Divorce Support Pack to support you on your path to surviving your divorce.

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is an experienced financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security post-divorce. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit and be connected to the right resources for the next phase of life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your pre and post-divorce easier. Grab your FREE Divorce Support Pack.

15 Ways to Secretly Prepare for Divorce With Confidence

15 Ways to Secretly Prepare for Divorce With Confidence

 

15 Ways to Secretly Prepare for Divorce

There are three typical scenarios on the edge of your marriage ending.

 

  • You’re the person initiating it. You’ve decided the marriage is over.
  • You’re blindsided. Maybe the topic has come up occasionally, but you’re stunned that your partner is done.
  • You jointly decide that the marriage is over.

 

This FIIRM Hero blog post will help you figure out how to secretly prepare for divorce confidently under any of those three scenarios. As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®), I understand the importance of preparing for emotional turbulence, financial uncertainty, and unpredictable outcomes.

It’s a delicate balancing act to ensure you don’t lose yourself in the process, have an outlet for your emotions, have people you can rely on, and most importantly, your sanity remains intact.

 

withered flower depicting divorce

 

Under all of these scenarios, you could have a very amicable divorce, a very contentious divorce, or anything in between.

6-8 min read: Looking for the audio summary of this blog post – sign up for the FIIRM Hero Private Podcast to HEAR what this post is all about when you don’t have time to read it.

 

1. Recognize the Signs That Your Marriage Is in Trouble

 

Preparation and awareness go hand in hand. If you’re reading this blog post, you may already know the signs that your relationship is in trouble. Maybe it’s constant drag out fights or just simple irreconcilable differences.

 

However, if you’re still trying to evaluate the situation, you may find it helpful to read “Real Warning Signs That Your Relationship is in Trouble.”  This post discusses warning signs that you might be ignoring. Plus it includes verbatim accounts of the tipping point from everyday divorcees. It also covers a few tips if you think your relationship is salvageable.

 

couple fighting due to trouble in their marriage

 

2. Break Free from Validation Echoes

 

When you’re about to make a big decision, seeking validation or approval is normal.

 

It can help to recognize when you’re trapped in a cycle of seeking validation. Notice patterns in your behavior—do you frequently ask the same people for reassurance?

 

Remember, while seeking advice or reassurance is helpful, it’s problematic when it hinders your ability to trust yourself. Set mental boundaries to help you recognize when it’s time to rely on your judgment.

 

Plus, if the news blindsides you, very few outside opinions can help you find the “answers” you’re looking for.

 

3. Gather Important Documents to Secretly Prepare for Divorce

 

FIIRM Approach clients usually fall into two categories:

  • They are confident they know where all of their important documents are stored
  • It’s been years since they’ve seen the essential documents, but they know they’re in the house somewhere

 

Where do you fall?

 

If you’re preparing for divorce in secret, make sure that you have originals and copies of all critical documents because it’s likely that you’ll need them at some point. This includes:

  • Social Security cards
    • Replacement social security cards can be ordered online
  • Birth certificates
    • Your state’s vital records office can provide a replacement
  • Marriage license
      • Your state’s vital records office can provide a copy

     

documents to secretly prepare for a divorce

 

  • Estate documents (including trust documents)
  • Adoption or Guardianship papers
  • Life Insurance policies (digital copies are acceptable)
  • Previous divorce decrees
  • Military Paperwork
  • Your Financial Inventory

 

4. Knowing Your Worth

 

It is vital to clearly understand the financial landscape, including all assets, liabilities, income streams, and expenses.

Equally important is to gather all financial documents early on—bank statements, tax returns, investment accounts, property deeds—everything. You need a full scope of your financial situation to move forward strategically.

 

Consider creating a ‘divorce readiness’ folder to organize critical financial documents. Divorce forces you to untangle and divide assets that have been interwoven during marriage.

 

 

Secretly Prepare for Divorce with confidence

 

Do you understand the differences between marital property and separate property? Which parts might be subject to division and what might not?

The simple answer is that marital property was acquired during the marriage. Separate property was acquired before the marriage, after separation, inherited, or gifted. Separate property, for obvious reasons, can get tricky. 

You might need a financial advisor to understand and assess the current valuation and future implications.

While everyone focuses on who gets the house, car, and vacation home, don’t overlook the debts.

Of course, these must be divided, too, whether it’s mortgages, credit card balances, or personal loans.

No one wants to shoulder all the debt while their ex walks away with the lion’s share of assets. Do everything you can upfront to ensure a fair division of marital property and debt.

Because of all this, it’s also important to understand your post-divorce financial standing. 

 

5. Think Beyond the Split to Build Your Financial Independence

 

Is your financial security going to be threatened after your divorce?

 

Will your income be enough to cover your expenses?

 

Emergency fund – big enough?

Credit score – high enough?

If not, then secretly preparing for divorce gives you time to change this.

Divorce is a significant life shift but also an opportunity to reset.

 

This includes revisiting or setting up a new budget, reevaluating your financial goals, and retraining to maximize career opportunities.

 

Take control of our finances by becoming more financially engaged pre- and post-divorce. Your long-term financial health is key and isn’t just number crunching. Some of the decisions you will need to make require serious mental fortitude.

 

Moreover, emotional readiness is just as pivotal. It’s about coming out stronger, wiser, and financially secure on the other side.

 

6. Prioritize Emotional Well-being When Preparing for Divorce

 

Divorce is not the time to pick up habits that won’t benefit you during the divorce process. 

While the whole bottle of wine may be comforting, you should prioritize sleep, proper nutrition, and exercise to help you maintain mental peace.

You can make these changes without telling anyone why. 

 

7. Build a Support System

 

Now, if you’re preparing secretly and don’t want to tell the world about then discretion is your friend. Determine which trusted friends or family you can share the information with when ready. Establish boundaries with your support system so they know what to expect with communication, information sharing, and the things you don’t want to share.

Download our Divorce Support Pack to help you figure out what to say to your support system. 

 

8. Quietly Educate Yourself on Divorce Laws

 

Divorce laws are determined by the state & country you live in. Each locale has different regulations, and knowing them can protect your rights. Some states follow equitable distribution, while others adhere to community property laws. Understanding these distinctions, and what applies in your state, will prevent unnecessary surprises.

 

Asset Division: Fair Doesn’t Mean Equal

 

At the core of divorce financials lies the division of assets. In divorce, “fair” doesn’t necessarily mean “equal.” States have different asset division laws, typically under “community property” or “equitable distribution.”

Do your homework so you are prepared for what to expect.

 

 

divorce laws

 

Community Property: States like Arizona and California are community property states, which means the split of marital property and debts acquired during the marriage is split 50/50.

 

Equitable Distribution: Most states fall into this category, in which assets are divided in a manner that’s considered fair but not necessarily equal.

 

9. What Custody Arrangements Will Work For You?

 

 

If you have children, consider the best custody arrangements for them. Write down your nice-to-have items and plan to preemptively discuss ideas with your spouse to find common ground when it makes sense. As you prepare, evaluate various options that could work for your family. 

 

10. Protect Your Online Presence

 

The internet is a frenemy, and most of us have some online presence. Review your social media settings and be cautious about what you share leading up to & during your divorce. You may need to change your settings from public to private or block some unfriendly “followers.”

Whenever you can, go the extra mile to protect yourself from unwanted scrutiny or drama.

 

11. Seek Professional Guidance: When It Makes Sense

 

Early consultation with a legal expert can provide insights into divorce, legal rights, and obligations. Likewise, speaking with a therapist can help process emotions constructively.

However, don’t run up your divorce bill prematurely.

A word of caution: Attorneys play a key role in the divorce process, but sometimes, we call them too soon.

A sound divorce attorney is a God send when engaged at the right time. They can help make the legal process less stressful, protect your interests, and help negotiate terms in your best interest.

 

12. Update Personal Information Strategically

 

Consider quietly reviewing & updating personal records and information.

Update email addresses. Freeze your credit and ensure everything is free of errors.

Discreetly separate joint accounts or organize private communication with selected people if necessary.

 

13. Preparing for Change & New Opportunities

 

Divorce is life-altering. No doubt about it.

 

Embrace the change while grieving the loss of your marriage. Volunteer with organizations you are passionate about. Travel alone to new cities or old favorites.

 

Dine alone or hang out with girlfriends you rarely had time for.

 

14. Plan for Housing Adjustments

 

Whether staying put or moving, consider the logistics of your living situation.

Being proactive about housing decisions can make significant changes smoother when the time arrives.

Staying in the house may make perfect sense, but don’t rule out moving and making new memories.

 

15. Trust Your Journey

 

If you can check off as many items on the list as possible, you will confidently trust your decisions and ability to navigate difficult situations.

 

Taking FIIRM action on any of these steps can help lead you to a brighter future.

 

You May Also Be Interested In:

 

 

 

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is an experienced financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security post-divorce. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit and be connected to the right resources for the next phase of life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your pre and post-divorce easier. Grab your FREE Divorce Support Pack.

Real Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

Real Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

Real warning sign your marriage is in trouble

Real Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

Published February 20, 2025

Disclosure: This blog post may contain affiliate links, meaning we may be sent a monetary reward if you purchase an item after clicking on the links. The reward does not impact what we choose to recommend. 

 

Perfect relationships don’t exist. For those who have figured out how to navigate to the marriage mountaintop, we know the harder part is staying there. 

 

Real Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

Have you ever looked at a friend’s marriage and wondered “why they got married?”

Speculated how many years it would last?

Sometimes it feels like we know more about celebrity marriages than those closest to us. 

Especially since we have access to stories about their demise, and often, based on the headlines, we can see the signs a relationship is in trouble.

However, we rarely know the tipping point or the red flags that pushed these marriages to the literal finish line.

 

This blog post can help you recognize the warning signs that your relationship might be in trouble.

 

Warning Signs Your Relationship Might Be in Trouble

 

Do you have relationship problems that can be solved?

 

Is your situation so dysfunctional that you’re starting to think it’s best to part ways?

 

Either way, pay attention to the warning signs.

 

Can the relationship be saved?

 

When researching this blog post, I knew real-life experiences/stories from everyday divorcees would serve you better. Some people were married for a long time, and others had shorter relationships.

 

Their identities are not disclosed to protect their privacy; the details, however, are verbatim accounts. Similar to real life, there are several different reasons that people’s relationships end.

 

Trigger Warning: Some personal stories are raw, and while not intended to upset you or cause you to relive personal trauma, they may be triggering depending on your situation. Please proceed cautiously and stop reading if the post stirs up too many negative emotions.

 

These personal stories are provided so that you know you are not alone if you are in an unhealthy relationship or marriage. The FIIRM Approach primarily supports female breadwinners, but this post includes personal experiences from men and women.

 

You might relate to an underlying issue in your marriage.

 

You may even realize that you need to check your own behavior.

 

Some relationships can be saved, and some can’t. Maybe you already know the answer about yours. 

 

If your goal is to try to save your relationship, I highly recommend checking out the book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

 

Red paper heart ripped in half on dark background. Broken heart separation concept

 

2 Real-life experiences – Signs a Relationship is in Trouble:

 

“My divorce was somewhat unexpected. He just told me he wanted a divorce and soon after moved out. At the time, things weren’t great, but I didn’t see a divorce. But deep down, I didn’t see a future with us being together”

 


 

“Let me start by saying I should have known better than to marry him. He was very possessive, which I mistaken for love. I knew it was over when he became very indifferent to me. Exactly 7 years! I knew he was cheating… I called him on it and he admitted it. We got back together, built a new house, and he cheated again, ugh…the tipping was him using MY credit card to take her to a concert and dinner. Bottom line, he did me a big favor; had I not known bad, I wouldn’t know good.”


 

 

Download our Divorce Support Pack  to get started on finding the right resources to help you.

 

 

Are changes in behaviors a sign that your relationship is in trouble?

 

Of course, depending on the changes in behavior, it can be a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble. The range is extensive, but a few examples of unhealthy behaviors include:

  • emotional distance,
  • sneaky behavior,
  • infidelity,
  • problems with vices (e.g., gambling or addiction),
  • constant dishonesty,
  • physical, emotional abuse, etc.

 

A good romantic relationship or marriage includes honest communication, emotional support, a deep level of intimacy, and trust.

 

When your partnership lacks these things and starts to feel like a scene from “What’s Love Got to do With It”, it’s a sign of a deeper issue. Tackle it head-on, if your goal is to preserve the relationship.

 

4 Real-life experiences – When Behavior Changes Signal Relationship Trouble:

“ A younger girl that we both worked with started calling our house regularly to speak to my husband. I knew the marriage was in trouble, but I knew it was over when he moved into the young lady’s college dorm room in another state, and tried to lie about it. I couldn’t reach him, but eventually, I got her dorm phone number and left a message for him to call me. No surprise, he got the message and called me back” 😐


 

“ I knew that it was going to end in divorce when he started out to shoot pool at night, and he would come home at two or three in the morning. Then he would go to the grocery store to get some cereal and come back home 3 hours later with some grapes! 😈 We married about a week before our son was born, and we divorced when he was about 4 years old.”

 


 

“I had been avoiding the inevitable for years. The tipping point was him telling me he was attending the side chick’s son’s funeral when he supposedly hated funerals, and he hadn’t gone to one in the 18 years we were together.” 😐


 

“My husband was stationed in another state and moved in with [a woman] and her boyfriend at the time because he was friends with the boyfriend. The boyfriend moved out, and my husband stayed. When he told me about it, I told him to move out, and he said he was going to stay and help her because she had a child. The child was not the ex-boyfriend, and that is when I said to myself that we were done. A few months later, he called and said he moved out so we could get a place together, but I was already done with him. I knew he cheated with her, and I didn’t want him.” (He later married the woman)


Sad Couple Parting Ways

 

How does a lack of communication impact marriage?

 

Those married for a long time or in a long-term relationship, have heard this saying:

“the foundation of a healthy relationship is good, open communication”

I think this is very true. 

There’s a direct correlation between communication issues and relationship issues. Silent treatments or the inability to communicate effectively, it is a clear sign of trouble.

 

Communication Issues Could Be a Sign That Your Relationship is in Trouble – A real-life experience to learn from:

 

“I confronted my wife about the fact that my stepdaughter would not speak when spoken to nor initiate speaking when I arrived home. I asked her if she would talk to her about it, and my wife told me to address it with my stepdaughter, who was in 3rd or 4th grade at the time. My mother-in-law told my wife it was her job…she took a pass. I knew then the marriage had a finite timeline. The child’s disrespect ultimately cost her parents dearly, remained a source of contention in our marriage, and helped accelerate our demise.”


 

 

Can Communication Issues Be Solved?

 

The key to resolving communication issues starts with intention and fast action – Surprise, Surprise.

 

When you allow things to simmer for too long it is easy to build deep seated resentment.

 

That’s when it’s harder to come back from.

 

Communicating honestly but with kindness, as much as humanly possible, is key.

marriage counseling

 

Here are a couple of simple relationship communication tips: 

 

  • Ask for permission to discuss hard things and ensure the timing is right. Address issues when there are no distractions, and the environment is conducive. This could distinguish between a cordial conversation and WWIII in your house. If your partner doesn’t want to discuss something in the moment, forcing the conversation could be a bad idea. However, if they never want to discuss hard things – that’s usually a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.  

     

  • Try to frame negative statements with ‘we’ instead of ‘you.’ For example, “I know we are having an issue with _____. Let’s discuss how we can solve it together”.

     

  • As my Uncle Larry would say, pause and collect your thoughts. The art of the pause is powerful. Moments of silence are different than silent treatments. Give your brain a chance to process what was said, ask for clarification (when needed), and then respond with something you won’t regret.

 

This book breaks down communication issues on level I’ve rarely seen so it might be worth checking out if you’re trying to save the relationship – Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

But, if your intention is ripping their heart out and stomping on it – you do you – feel free to ignore the tips above.

Multiethnic couple arguing on street

 

Is there a connection between money & marital bliss?

 

As a financial professional, I could not write this blog post about signs that your marriage is in trouble without discussing money.

 

Money continues to be one of the major stressors of all humans regardless of marital status, and it’s definitely an underlying issue of divorce.

 

Here are a few financial signs that mean your relationship is in trouble:

 

  • Arguments about small expenses. Little things can turn into big things quickly. Unless your family is severely cash strapped, arguments about $5 here and $10 there is annoying. But it’s often a sign of a larger issue. 

     

  • Clashing money personalities. It’s okay to have different ways of doing things. Still, you should move toward the same goal when you’re in a romantic relationship. A lack of shared vision or unified planning is problematic.

     

  • Money used as a power move – Salaries should not be used as a weapon against you. A marriage should include financial transparency and respect regardless of the amount of financial contribution. Money spent frivolously on other people or things is a sign of trouble.

 

2 Real-life experiences to learn from related to money and control:

 

“My first husband was not bringing home money, and I had to hunt him down on paydays. Constantly cheating – the final straw was when his girlfriend called my house with information on their engagement. My second husband was too mean and controlling. I cannot be controlled.” >:D


 

“I suspected he had a serious mental health condition after our first child was born because he wanted to control me by not letting me work and controlling all the money. When I did get a little part-time job waitressing, he came in and caused a commotion and got me fired. When I was pregnant with our second child, and he threw me on the ground and choked me. I knew I had to go then for sure. He also told me he would drug me when I didn’t know it and get me committed to a mental institution so that he could get the kids. 😮

That’s when I promised myself I would go back to school so I could support my kids after the divorce, and I did. Luckily, my father paid for school, and my aunt babysat some so I could go back to school part-time. He went to federal prison. That’s when I divorced him and finished school because I knew he couldn’t retaliate while in prison. I stayed 3 1/2 years after the choking incident so I could be financially able to take care of us. If there’s one thing I would have done very differently, I would have gotten out sooner because the kids would not have had the attachment they had.”

 


 

 

Is Money Keeping You Stuck in a Sucky Relationship?

 

If financial issues keep you from progressing as a couple, here’s a tip that may help.

 

Align your goals—There should be room for ‘me’ and ‘we’ goals. ‘Me goals should support, not counteract, ‘we goals’. Address unhealthy behaviors that prevent you from reaching your financial dreams as a team.

 However, if your financial issues are part of a deeper problem and are keeping you stuck in the relationship that you want to get out of, here’s a different tip for you.


Take Your Power Back—If your partner is hiding financial information, controlling how you spend money, and holding you financially hostage, formulate a game plan to regain your financial power.

 

 

Does it feel like your partner has checked out of the relationship?

 

The reality is that most people don’t check out of relationships overnight – especially marriages. When date nights become infrequent, or you just aren’t spending quality time together like you used to, it could be a sign of trouble.

 

Maybe there’s a good reason, and this is a “seasonal” issue. Still, you and I both know your partner’s needs (or yours) can’t go unmet for long periods without it leading to bigger problems. A lack of physical intimacy is a silent treatment louder than words.

 

What about when you find yourself having negative feelings a little too often? If you cringe when you see their face, hear their name, or feel their touch, it’s a good reason to be worried.

 

3 Real-life experiences – Emotional Distance and Indifference = Checking Out:

“I knew the moment I officially moved out. I was firm that if he let me leave, I was never coming back. He let me leave – ain’t nobody got time for that. We even messed around a bit after I moved out, but there was no reconciling at that point.” :/


“I did not look at her as my prize. She was just another woman. Had no desire or energy to work on the faults. In my mind, if I saw her in a romantic setting with another man, I would not be upset. 💡 That’s when I knew it was over.”


“At counseling, the therapist suggested to her that four years of breastfeeding might be a way of avoiding intimacy with me. Her response was – “I have no intentions of quitting breastfeeding to get intimate with him.” End of session. End of marriage.” o_O

 

How to Reconnect Using Love Languages 

Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts has some relationship gurus in a choke hold. While Mr. Chapman was not a relationship guru or licensed therapist (he was a church marriage counselor and pastor), I think his theories on love languages make sense in the most basic way possible.

 

You and your partner may have different primary needs, and it’s mutually beneficial if you understand them.

 

Do you remember your partner’s love language?

 

Do you know your own?

 

If you haven’t completely given up on your relationship yet, it’s essential to recognize that love languages can change.

 

So, the first thing to do is to make sure that you and your partner understand each other’s current love language. Then, use that information to work through your relationship problems in a healthy way.

 

Try this as a baby step to improve your relationship: Facilitate discussions based on each other’s love language. For example, if your partner loves physical touch, have a deep talk while holding hands or cuddling because physical touch lowers stress by releasing oxytocin.

Lowered stress may equate to lower defenses or attacks, making your conversations more productive.

 

This could be the breakthrough you need to START to work through in terms of communication issues, intimacy issues, and other relationship problems.

 

To be clear, implementing this strategy will still require lots of patience and work.

 

I’m not naïve enough to suggest that “all you need to do is hold hands”

 

When the relationship can’t be saved

 

The reality is that every relationship can’t be saved. However, when your and your partner’s attempts to save it are well aligned, it can result in a healthier, more committed relationship. This blog post has uncovered various signs that your relationship might be in trouble.

 

Your final hat trick may be expert relationship intervention through couples therapy, marriage counseling, or divorce lawyers, and there is no shame in that.

 

 

I’m sure you gave it your best shot, and I want you to be prepared for the next phase.

You May Also Be Interested In:

 

Disclaimer: The information provided is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute professional legal or financial advice for your personal situation.

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is an experienced financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security post-divorce. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit and be connected to the right resources for the next phase of life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your pre and post-divorce easier. Grab your FREE Divorce Support Pack.

2025 Strategies to Negotiate Your Divorce Settlement

2025 Strategies to Negotiate Your Divorce Settlement

2025 Strategies to Negotiate Your Divorce Settlement

 

How to Negotiate a Divorce Settlement with Your Spouse

 

If you have kids, you know how difficult it can be to negotiate with them when they are young. They want what they want when they want it.

 

I think trying to figure out how to negotiate a divorce settlement with your spouse is similar.

 

At least it can feel like that. 😊

 

How to Set the Foundation for a Successful Divorce Settlement?

 

A fair divorce settlement is possible, but it doesn’t happen accidentally.

 

This blog post is intended to provide strategies to help you negotiate your divorce settlement with your spouse based on my experience as a financial professional and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.

 

By the end of this post, you’ll better understand what a fair settlement really is, the difference between equal and equitable, and the best way to tackle big issues.

 

I know the superhero cape you wear allows you to do many things very well.

 

But negotiating your divorce and figuring out the best strategy to help you get a financial settlement you feel you can live with is not something you work on daily.

 

It’s totally fair that you have no idea what to expect unless you have been through the process before.

 

6 min read: Get the audio summary of this blog post on the FIIRM Hero Private Podcast – sign up for the FIIRM Hero Newsletter Community to HEAR what this post is all about when you don’t have time to read it.

 

Time is Money in a Divorce

 

If you’ve ever listened to me speak about divorce in a YouTube video or podcast interview, you’ve probably heard me talk about the importance of being organized; however, if you have not had the privilege (just kidding), then let me explain.

 

Time is money in a divorce. There’s a direct correlation between how long it takes you to divorce and how much it will cost you.

 

That means the longer your divorce takes, the more expensive it will be. Approaching your divorce case like Sherlock Holmes with superorganized documents and financial statements cannot only save you from major fights and headaches, but it can also save you money.

 

In our signature post, 10 Ways to Divorce in a Loving Way, four tips are essential to negotiating a successful divorce settlement with your spouse. The four items below are critical to the foundation of your divorce journey, so I invite you to review them quickly before the negotiation process even begins.

 

 

Enlist Professional Help

 

You always hear that divorce is emotional.

 

And that’s because it is.

 

There is no way around tackling big issues when you’re sitting at the negotiating table with your spouse.

 

Trying to figure out how to negotiate the best settlement for you can have you on an emotional roller coaster.

 

Therefore, it’s key that you have the proper support to help you navigate those feelings and manage your expectations.

 

Ideally, this is a therapist plus a trusted network of practical and levelheaded friends or family member who will keep your best interests in mind.

 

Common divorce mistake alert:

 

Getting rid of your therapist before the divorce process is over because you feel that you have control of your emotions may be a mistake. You should know that the emotional roller coaster ride continues at least for a little while, even after your divorce is final.

 

In addition to mental health professionals, it is essential for you to understand the legal rights based on the state where you are filing for divorce.

 

Before things get too complicated, enlist the help of experienced professionals like a divorce attorney, mediators, and financial experts to guide you through the key issues and develop creative solutions.

 

There is no shame in needing legal advice or asking questions about the financial implications of your decisions to the right experts.

 

couples seeking therapy during divorce

 

Know What Really Matters to You

 

Imagine going into a restaurant where they ask you for your order but won’t give you a menu!

 

To protect your financial security, you must understand your numbers before the first offer is even made.

 

Negotiating from an informed position is a key strategy to a successful divorce settlement.

 

Understand your priorities by asking yourself what is most important to you.

 

Identify your must-haves versus your nice-to-haves, but remember to keep an open mind.

 

Identifying your must-haves will help you stay focused while compromising on other areas, such as the house, co-parenting schedules, or spousal support.

 

Transparency is vital on both sides, but at this point, you’ve probably realized you can’t control your spouse’s actions.

 

That said, hiding things won’t just make negotiations difficult; it will be viewed unfavorably in the eyes of the court.

 

Ensure your financial disclosure statement is as accurate as possible, and review your spouse’s disclosure statement for any discrepancies.

 

Fair divorce negotiations require both parties to understand what’s at stake to help them find common ground.

 

Spend More Time Listening

 

Establishing ground rules in the early stages of settlement discussions may be helpful.

 

Whether you’re using a divorce lawyer or a neutral professional, use their expertise to help you come up with ways to support effective communication. Focus on your key issues and inform your spouse that you will negotiate in good faith.

 

It’s essential to spend more time listening than talking in some meetings. This will give you a better chance of achieving a fair negotiated settlement.

 

That may seem like weird advice; however, it’s a similar strategy used in debates.

 

Knowing what the opposing party is fighting for and “Why” can help you strategically negotiate the key issues that will get you to a successful settlement agreement much faster.

 

Take the time to understand things from your spouse’s perspective without giving up on the things that matter to you.

 

Woman in White Dress Shirt and Black Pants Sitting on Gray Couch

 

Be Realistic

 

If you’re trying to figure out how to negotiate a divorce settlement with your spouse and you think there’s a secret sauce, you might be right.

 

Sometimes, the best strategy for solving a problem sounds like the simplest but is often the hardest.</span.

 

Being realistic when settling your divorce can be more challenging than it sounds.

 

The process of divorce is not meant for everyone to get everything that they want. You must understand that each party will lose somehow, so you must strategically prepare for those losses.

 

Just because you’re not getting everything you ask for does not mean the agreement is unfair.

 

While there are many different ways to arrive at a fair settlement, if you remember nothing else, please remember that your non-negotiables should be realistic, make sense for your financial situation, and match up with the divorce laws in your state or province.

 

If we’re honest with ourselves, fair settlements don’t mean that there will be no disappointment, but it does mean that no one should walk away feeling destitute.

 

Divorce is usually a zero-sum game.

 

How to Stay Focused on the Kids’ Well-Being?

 

I am not here to act like I know your children better than you do, but as a mother, I know our children are more resilient than we give them credit for.

 

With that in mind, I’m sure you and I agree that we want children to be harmed as little as possible in a divorce.

 

Keep these 3 things in mind when understanding Child Custody issues, Child Support, and financial negotiations that will impact the children.

 

1. Child support laws vary by state and depend on income, custody arrangements, and the overall needs of the child.

 

2. As kids grow, their expenses grow. From camps to braces to college, be mindful of current and future expenses when budgeting.

 

3. Legal custody and physical custody are not the same thing. Sole custody is not always easy to get. If you can’t come to an agreement, the court will decide based on the child’s best interest.

 

divorce finance

 

How Do Assets Get Divided?

 

The outcome of property division is determined by where you live or where you file. There are two categories to be aware of.

 

1. Community Property State: Assets ACQUIRED DURING THE MARRIAGE are divided equally.

 

2. Equitable Distribution State: Property is divided fairly or equitably, but not necessarily equally, based on factors like earnings and contributions. Most states are Equitable Distribution states.

 

Fair does not mean equal so that an equitable distribution state may have settlements split 50/50, 55/45, 60/40, or any other combination totaling 100% of marital property.

 

Understanding the laws that govern your divorce can give you a leg up in negotiations. This is also when a family law attorney proves to be valuable.

 

When making or receiving a settlement proposal, determine if the property division is reasonable and practical.

 

Maybe dividing significant marital assets by usage rather than monetary value makes sense.

 

Holding onto an asset with a sentimental attachment you can’t afford isn’t practical.

 

Asking your spouse to pay off all the debt from your student loans or shopping sprees is likely unreasonable.

 

divorce

 

Spousal Support—Finding Balance

 

Spousal support, also known as alimony or spousal maintenance, ensures that both parties maintain a similar standard of living after divorce.

 

Remember my note about time is money.

 

Most states have a formula for spousal support, even those that don’t follow a few general themes.

 

1. The longer the marriage, the longer the support – every day counts

 

2. Permanent support is not a guarantee; it depends on the circumstances of your case. There are multiple types of alimony, so be flexible when negotiating.

 

3. Earning potential and “normal” financial needs matter a lot; however, “normal” can feel relative.

 

Spousal support determinations can be a hot topic, so be prepared for a little bit of back and forth.

 

The Power Combo: Spousal and Child Support

 

If you’ve been a stay-at-home parent or earned significantly less than your spouse, alimony (or spousal support) can be a lifeline.

 

Child support, on the other hand, is non-negotiable if you have kids, as it directly impacts their welfare. Both require deep financial considerations.

 

Be prepared to present your case with clear, documented expenses and reasonableness.

 

Who pays legal fees in a divorce?

 

Court costs, attorney fees, and other fees incurred during the divorce process can add up quickly. Whether it’s a $500, $5,000, or $50,000 divorce, the question may arise about who will be the paying spouse. The cost of your divorce can be split evenly by both parties, fully covered by one party or another arrangement that you or the court decides. It usually doesn’t matter who filed, but the ability to pay is a factor.

 

Take FIIRM Hero Action to Negotiate a Divorce Settlement With Your Spouse

 

If you hit an impasse, instead of fighting, see if you can come up with out-of-the-box solutions.

 

From week on/ week off custody arrangements, living together after divorce, to co-owning the holiday home, you have a lot of room to decide what’s best for you.

 

Once you’ve agreed on all terms and have everything in writing, you’re pretty much done with the divorce settlement negotiation part.

 

When you approach your divorce proceedings with good intentions, a willingness to compromise, and a solid understanding of how to negotiate a settlement with your spouse, you’re on the right path to a settlement you can live with.

 

Subscribe to the FIIRM Approach YouTube page to watch content like this & more.

 

 

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is an experienced financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security post-divorce. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit and be connected to the right resources for the next phase of life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your pre and post-divorce easier. Grab your FREE Divorce Support Pack.

Tips for Women Starting Life Over After Divorce in Your 40s

Tips for Women Starting Life Over After Divorce in Your 40s

Starting Life Over After Divorce at 40

 

It would be nice if there were more movies, fairytales, TV shows, books, and stories about what starting over after divorce at 40 really feels like. We have been socialized to accept the traditional path of love, marriage, and babies, which is fantastic when things go according to plan.

 

But what about when things don’t go according to plan?

While the divorce rate has improved slightly in the U.S., the struggles post-divorce remain about the same.

 

image of a woman feeling distressed due to the divorce

 

Where are the stories that focus on women over 40 thriving after they’ve had to start over when they realize that their last marriage may not have been their “last marriage?”

 

This blog post will provide tips for women starting over after divorce at 40 or over 40. As a widowed mom and primary breadwinner, I understand how heavy it can feel to start over.

 

These tips are not listed in any particular order because, as they say, everyone’s situation is different. But by the end of this post, regardless of whether you’re one week or five years into your post-divorce journey, you’ll have tactical tips to help you take action for your next chapter with FIIRM confidence.

4-6 min read: Looking for the audio summary of this blog post – sign up for the FIIRM Hero Newsletter Community to HEAR what this post is all about when you don’t have time to read it.

 

How to Navigate the Emotional Turmoil of Divorce to Thrive Later

 

You and I can agree that most people do not go into a marriage planning to get a divorce; however, it’s an unexpected reality, particularly for women over the age of 40.

 

Processing the emotions associated with divorce is critical, and ensuring you have the correct support is essential.

 

While the beginning of a new chapter can be exciting, unexpected events can occur, and it’s essential to be prepared to handle them.

 

If you engaged with a therapist during your divorce process, it can be very beneficial to continue seeking guidance from a therapist to help shed light on new feelings, perspectives, and challenges as you reach the end of your marriage.

 

For example, there will likely be some random moment (usually an inconvenient moment) when it hits you that the person who was once the love of your life is now officially your EX HUSBAND.

 

Or when you thought that because you still love, care, and respect your ex, you would still be friends post-divorce, but he treats you like the wicked witch of the West.

 

Many of us don’t realize the feelings that surface because we not only lost a life partner but possibly also extended family, friendship, and comfort.

 

Those feelings alone require some level of emotional support, but we may have been so caught up in the divorce process that we don’t think about a big item that catches us off guard. When marriages end until you remarry, you lose the title of wife, and for many, that means you lose an essential part of your identity.

 

Therapist Comforting Patient - a helpful tip for women over 40 getting divorced is to seek emotional support

You’ll probably be grateful to have someone support you and your emotional needs through all these conflicting feelings.

 

In addition to professional support, stay connected with a support network you trust who have successfully navigated divorce. A little alone time is okay, but don’t isolate yourself too much as you’re “processing” this major transition.

 

Building Confidence in Your New Chapter

 

Being a wife comes with a lot of responsibilities.

 

Being a parent comes with even more.

 

When the title of wife goes away, most of the responsibilities don’t. Plus, if you become a single mother after signing your divorce papers, you instantly climb to the top of the responsibility mountain.

 

Cooking – yep – we still have to eat.

 

Working – definitely – we still need money.

 

Coordinate pick-ups/drop-offs – Yep, legally, you can’t just abandon them.

 

Making sure the kids feel stable & secure – feels even heavier now.

 

But then there are other little things, depending on how you split responsibilities during your marriage.

 

I can never remember where the water shut-off valve is, so I purchased this little handy sign from Amazon.

 

I also signed up for a pretty reasonable maintenance package for my furnace and A/C because I remember how expensive they were to replace because we didn’t get them serviced regularly.

 

Being the sole decision-maker for so many things can feel overwhelming, but at the same time, it’s a great opportunity to rediscover your strengths and build confidence in managing things the way you think is best.

 

woman working on her laptop while taking notes

You don’t have to learn how to do everything yourself; you just have to make sure it gets done.

 

This makes it the perfect opportunity to follow the FIIRM Approach practice of BID A.D.O – Automate Outsource and Delegate. As a single woman, I have enough stuff to handle and every little bit of help makes a difference.

 

Taking time to ensure that you build a system that allows essential things to get done can help you feel confident as you navigate the next chapter.

 

Secure Your Financial Fill-In

 

Part of the process of building a system includes finding someone who can fill in for you when you are unwell, need surgery, or have something even more drastic.

 

This is where your financial fill-in / your financial BFF will come in handy. I spend a lot of time discussing the importance of a financial BFF in this blog post, but the quick and dirty response is that your financial fill-in is the person you trust with intimate information about your financial life.

 

You Likely Need a Financial Fill-In If:

  1. You have minor children.
  2. You are single.
  3. You are primarily responsible for managing the household finances.
  4. You own assets or owe debt.
  5. You don’t have life insurance.

 

It doesn’t matter if you fall into 1 category or all 5.

 

Hopefully, finding the right person will not take much effort. The only caution is that it probably should not be your former partner.

 

Sometimes, your financial fill-in is also the executor of your estate, so let’s talk about that next.

 

Rethinking Your Estate Planning After Divorce

 

Creating or updating estate documents is an essential step in protecting your financial security as you make a fresh start after your divorce.

 

Married women have the comfort of knowing that, in most states, with or without an estate plan, most assets default to them if their spouse dies.

 

But as a newly single woman, especially a single woman with young children, you need to direct your assets where they should go. Most of us think that the first step is creating your will.

 

The good news is that wills are an essential part of an estate plan. However, before we get to the thrills of a will, as you’re starting over after divorce, it’s important to update your beneficiary information.

 

You will need to review ALL accounts and update or confirm beneficiary information. Even if your divorce decree has directives for beneficiary designations, you have to take action, as things won’t be automatically updated.

 

ALSO READ: What if She Gets Your Money

 

Because beneficiary designations can supersede some legal documents, aligning them with your other estate plans is important. This may require some professional help, but you can always attempt to go at it alone first.

 

Expert advice, such as an attorney or online resources, can help you construct additional documents, such as your will, power of attorney, and other relevant information.

 

However, if you’re not sure what these important documents do or how they impact the future of your estate, allow me to explain the basics quickly.

 

Will – Establishes a guardian for your children and directs your assets to your heirs (family or friends)

 

Lawyer Legal Counsel Presents to the Client a Signed Contract Will - a very helpful tip for woman over 40 considering divorce

 

Healthcare Power of Attorney/Living Will/Healthcare Directive – Dictates who you have selected to make healthcare decisions on your behalf and details your end-of-life directives.

 

Financial Power of Attorney/Durable Power of Attorney – Dictates who you have selected to handle financial matters if you are incapacitated or temporarily unable to carry them out

 

Saving Money for Future Security

 

I will assume that you made important decisions regarding your changing financial circumstances as part of your divorce process.

 

You have a new budget to go with your new lifestyle; however, it’s an excellent time to review your discretionary spending and find ways to save money for certain expenses.
There are many financial matters to consider, but given that your free time is limited, I wanted to give you one item to put at the top of the list.

 

Divorce comes with big adjustments. Granted, eating and keeping a roof over your head is quite an urgent matter. However, your assets, post-divorce, should grow as intended.

 

Additionally life experience has taught you that a happy life means enjoying the fruits of your labor. So I want you to take the time to do a 360 review of your finances and reduce the costs of things you have to pay for.

 

So that doesn’t mean no lattes. It means strategically saving money on insurance, utilities, medical expenses, and subscription costs.

 

Finding cost savings in these areas can be quite meaningful and allow you to build your savings for the future.

 

Moving in with a New Partner

 

Based on conversations with many women post-divorce, the feelings are mixed future relationships. Some want to find love and a new relationship as soon as possible. This can be very easy or quite difficult, depending on your social circles.

 

Others who are happily single are leaving a long marriage, an unhappy marriage, or worse, an abusive relationship.

 

However, once you find the person you would even consider moving in with, it’s important to have intentional conversations and transparent communication.

 

So what does this look like?

 

Determine what you want your new life together to look like. Where do you have strong positions versus flexibility about how your life together will be managed? How well do you understand each other financial positions?

 

How much outstanding debt do you have? How much time do you want to spend discussing money regularly? If you are moving into a new space, how will you document the owner of assets?

 

If reading these questions makes you uncomfortable, you may want to discuss many things individually and as a couple.

 

However, at a minimum, lines of communication should be kept open, and a cohabitation agreement should be strongly considered. This legally binding document is intended to protect you and your new partner before you move in together. It can detail how you expect financial matters to be handled in your relationship. A legal and financial professional can work with you to make fair and practical decisions for you and your partner.

 

Understanding Prenups and Second Marriages

 

If the dating scene is good to you, then you may be considering getting remarried.

Bride and Groom Doing a Prenup Shoot in the Grass Field

 

Prenuptial agreements can be essential to forging a new path to a successful marriage. These agreements outline each spouse’s financial rights and responsibilities, providing both parties with clarity and protection.

 

A prenup can help you and your partner establish a deeper level of trust and transparency because you will be required to cover topics related to financial responsibilities, property division, existing assets or estate plans, debt allocation, and more. If you have children from a previous marriage (minors or adults), income disparity, financial assets, or real property, then a prenup can be beneficial.

 

 

Time for FIIRM Hero Action

 

This blog post was intended to help you better prepare to start over after divorce at 40. It provided insights into steps to take for a new beginning and opportunities to take action today.

 

Divorce presents a tumultuous time. The FIIRM Approach wants to ensure you have the knowledge and resources to get you through this transition. Ready to take control of your financial future? Download our Divorce Support Pack to get started with important post-divorce decisions.

 

 

 

 

How to Pay for a Divorce when you can’t Afford it

How to Pay for a Divorce when you can’t Afford it

How to pay for a divorce when you can't afford it

How to Pay for a Divorce when you can’t Afford it

Published October 15, 2024

 

Very few people understand your personal economy better than you and your spouse. When you are thinking about uncoupling, there’s no way to avoid the money aspect of divorce. Part of that includes trying to figure out how to pay for a divorce lawyer with no money and how to manage the financial demands of divorce without breaking the bank.

 

How to Fund Your Divorce Without Breaking the Bank

 

This blog post will explain how to get a divorce when you have no money or limited access to cash and offer insights to help you through your pre-divorce / divorce journey. As a mom and primary breadwinner, I understand that whether you are paying for groceries, daycare, or college tuition, I’m sure we can agree that it feels like life keeps getting more expensive.

 

By the end of this post, regardless of whether you’re a career woman, stay-at-home mom, stay-at-home wife, or someone “whose money tries to act funny,” you’ll have a better understanding of ways to pay for your divorce and keep your divorce costs lowered plus some tools to tackle your divorce with FIIRM confidence.

 

Knowledge is Powerful & Valuable in a Divorce

 

The first step in your divorce journey is researching online resources, podcasts, blogs, books, and YouTube videos on divorce. Understanding the requirements in your state, including waiting periods, child support calculations, and necessary documents, can help you manage your expectations about the process and minimize unnecessary costs due to excessive delays.

 

Facebook communities or other social media platforms allow individuals to share their personal divorce experiences and tips, which may be a source of support and information.

 

Knowledge is power, especially in a divorce. Utilize divorce-focused podcasts, blogs, and books to help you make informed decisions and reduce reliance on expensive legal services. It will also help you understand legal jargon and advocate effectively for your needs during discovery & negotiations.

 

For example, an uncontested divorce will generally cost less than a contested divorce. Sometimes, this is outside of your control, but it’s still good to know.

Exploring Legal Aid Options for Low-Cost Divorce

The availability of legal aid options will vary depending on where you live; however, it can be beneficial when your finances are limited and you need legal assistance with the divorce. Legal aid can be a perfect option for someone trying to pay for a divorce lawyer with no money because legal costs are often the most expensive aspect of a divorce. Legal aid clinics offer legal services at little to no cost for a variety of reasons; however, eligibility is usually determined by the circumstances of your case and your annual income.

You can research the options available in your area by typing “legal aid + your city” (e.g., Legal Aid Chicago), “legal aid + your city & state,” or “legal aid + your state,” as resources will vary depending on your geographic location. It’s important to remember that legal aid organizations and your local law school will have limited resources, and the demand typically outweighs the supply, so it’s never too early to connect with the legal aid clinic or organization.

 

Download our Divorce Support Pack  to get started on finding the right resources to help you.

 

how to get divorced with no money

 

Maximizing Employee Benefits Options When Divorcing

 

It’s not uncommon for employees not to realize how many nonfinancial benefits are available to help them through different life transitions. Your employer may offer benefits to support you during the divorce process. These benefits may include access to legal, mental health, or financial professionals for a free consultation or at deeply discounted rates.

 

If your workplace offers employee assistance programs (EAPS), these benefits are likely to be available there. If you don’t have a formal EAP, contacting your HR representative could be the next step to get information on services and resources that are available to you.

 

Your employer may offer reimbursement for specific legal costs on a case-by-case basis. If you are concerned about your privacy or confidentiality, most employers do not require your manager’s approval or consent to use these resources.

 

Another possible source for help is your employee resource groups, often known as employee affinity groups. It is common for these groups to focus on specific educational topics related to challenges that negatively impact work performance, health, and overall wellness.

 

The good news is that your employer’s benefits can be a great option because your personal financial situation is often irrelevant.

How to Find Pro Bono Legal Services for Divorce

Similar to the options described about legal aid services above, some attorneys are willing to provide pro bono work for individuals with limited resources going through a divorce. When you are trying to determine how you can pay for a divorce lawyer when you have no money, this is a viable option for some.

When you consider the “what”, one of the easiest yet scariest things you can do is get organized. It may take some time, but it’s often time well spent.

You will likely have to provide personal information about your finances and marital circumstances to see if you fit the eligibility criteria, increase your chances of being accepted, and be prepared to submit applications to multiple law firms because resources are limited. You can start your search by connecting with local nonprofits or your local Bar Association to find lawyers or firms that regularly provide pro bono legal services for low-income individuals.

seeking legal advise for divorce

Alternatives to the Traditional Divorce Attorney Services

When people think about divorce attorneys and the best way to engage with them, it is generally seen as an all-or-nothing situation. However, because traditional legal representation can cost four, five, or six figures, there are other cost-effective ways to get legal representation.

Don’t be afraid to negotiate fees or explore payment plans when hiring an attorney. Many attorneys are willing to work with you if you can show that the divorce will cause financial strain on your budget.

Some attorneys offer flat-fee services for straightforward divorces, while others might negotiate lower hourly rates or a unique financial arrangement depending on your circumstances. Your attorney might allow their fees to be paid from assets from your settlement; however, this is not common, as most attorneys don’t want to serve as your bank or finance company.

As discussed in our pre-divorce on-demand digital resource, Silent Preparation Series, mediation services can be affordable for couples willing to work together toward an amicable divorce settlement. You can also utilize divorce websites if you have a simple divorce case (no children / limited assets) to do much of the upfront work for your divorce process. Then, you seek out a law firm that provides unbundled / ala carte services in your city or town and can handle certain aspects of your divorce. Most divorce attorneys who offer this option will be happy to work with the mediator or other divorce experts to provide you with legal advice, document preparation, or document review.

This approach can significantly lower the cost of a divorce without seeking full representation. Remember that DIY divorce, self-representation, and pro se divorces can work in limited situations, but court fees are still involved in filing, serving, and finalizing your divorce. Attorneys can provide valuable information and insights, and it is often worth it to consult them BEFORE you sign on the dotted line of your settlement agreement. There’s little that can be done once you’ve signed, particularly if your funds are limited.

Divorce Funding companies

Would you be surprised if I told you that some companies fund or finance your divorce? While this may not be a good fit for everyone, divorce funding companies assess funding eligibility based on the expected settlement from your proceeds, not current assets or income.

When the divorce settlement is finalized, a divorce funding company will typically take a portion of your settlement in return for covering the cost of your divorce. These companies usually work with clients who have legal representation versus self-representation, and you’re essentially borrowing the money to pay for your divorce attorney or other professionals if you have no access to funds to pay for your divorce.

The arrangements made with the divorce funding company can vary by provider, and there are not many in the market. It’s not for everyone, but I can see how it works for some. There is typically a minimum funding and marital asset requirement before funding will be disbursed.

companies that aid financially for divorce

Assessing Personal Funds to Pay Your Divorce

Create a sinking fund: It’s common for people to consider a divorce for a long time before they pull the trigger. You can open a savings account and create a personal sinking fund to save for expenses related to your divorce, link your retainer fee or security deposit for an appointment.

You can make slight adjustments to current expenses to carve out funds for your divorce expenses or utilize windfalls like tax returns, bonuses, or other lump sum payments to begin to create a reserve. Small contributions add up over a 12-24 month period.

Word of caution: These funds are not considered separate property.

Using Credit or Personal Assets or Equity to Pay Your Divorce

Credit card or Personal Loan – Consider using your credit card to pay for attorney’s fees and other divorce expenses. However, make sure you have a strategy for how you will use the cards. Your plan could include:

  • Spreading the cost over multiple credit cards.

  • Taking advantage of low interest rate promotional offers.

  • Ensure the balance is paid off before you incur high interest rate charges.

If you have an account at a credit union, you can get an unsecured personal loan to help support payment of legal expenses or court filing fees. The terms of these loans heavily depend on your credit score, income, and financial need.

Home equity line of credit – If you own property and owe less than its value, some loans can provide you with funds for your divorce. A home equity loan or line allows you to borrow against the value of your home if you have available equity.

Getting approval for a home equity loan has multiple steps, and while a judge may be involved in the decision to utilize this option, the judge cannot force the bank to approve the law. So, even if you have equity in the home, you still must be credit-qualified to receive the funds.

Retirement Assets – It may be possible to tap into your retirement assets, such as a 401(k) or IRA, to cover the costs of your divorce. There may be tax or penalty implications, so it would be wise to consult with a financial advisor to understand the impact of this decision before you finalize anything.

Loans against a 401K require spousal approval, while distributions from an IRA do not. However, recognize that tapping into retirement assets may impact the outcome of the division of property.

Life Insurance Loan – If you have a life insurance policy with a cash value, you may be able to borrow against it at a low interest rate. Borrowing against a life insurance policy may impact the death benefit to the beneficiary, so make sure you fully understand the impact of this option.

getting divorced

Your Spouse Pays for the Cost of the Divorce

Court-ordered fees -The court may order the moneyed spouse, higher-earning spouse, or more financially stable spouse to pay both sides of attorney fees and court costs, but this isn’t as easy as it sounds.

However, if you are working with an attorney, they can help you through this process.

Your Support Network May Be a Possible Financial Resource

Your Support Network—Divorce usually sucks, and feeling alone sucks even more. It is essential to surround yourself with family, close friends, or supportive communities and groups who can support you in the way you need it.

Don’t forget to consider financial support from family or friends as a possible resource. While it might be uncomfortable to ask, if the amount is within the means of the person you’re asking, this temporary assistance can make a significant difference.

Your support network may also provide a helping hand as you come out on the other side of divorce and need critical items to start your next chapter. This may include furniture, dishware, glassware, cutlery, linen, or other household goods you were required to split with your soon-to-be ex.

Time for FIIRM Hero Action

This blog post was intended to help you better understand how to pay for a divorce when you can’t afford it due to your financial circumstances. It also provided insights on steps to keep the cost of divorce down. Take action today before your divorce proceedings begin to understand what options are available to you based on how much money you have or don’t have.

Dealing with a divorce when it feels like it will break the bank can feel overwhelming. The resources above can help you access the legal support you need when money is an issue.

Empower yourself with knowledge, explore affordable legal alternatives, or even get free legal help to get you through this transition. Don’t let financial issues stop you from starting your next chapter. Hopefully, this post has convinced you that, at a minimum, there are ways to afford a divorce with little to no money.

Ready to take control of your financial future Download our Divorce Support Pack to get started on finding the right resources to help you.

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is an experienced financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security post-divorce. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit and be connected to the right resources for the next phase of life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your pre and post-divorce easier. Grab your FREE Divorce Support Pack.

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