Love: Reason, Season or Lifetime V1.2

Love: Reason, Season or Lifetime V1.2

Love: Reason, Season or Lifetime V1.2

 

AReal Life Divorce Story w/ Brandie Olson

 

 

Introduction: Have you ever heard the phrase some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? While I didn’t create the phrase, it makes perfect sense to me. A divorce doesn’t make you a failure or a quitter. It’s quite the opposite, in most cases. These “love” stories will focus on the courage, lessons, & perspectives of everyday women (and some celebrities), to help you on your journey. Join me while we get in their business a bit. Listen to the real-life divorce story of Brandie Olson.

Guest: Brandie Olson resides in Minnesota and is focused on being happy and raising well rounded kids. She prides herself on her determination and letting nothing stand in her way. She is currently finishing up her BA in Criminal Justice. She already has a couple of two-year degrees, works full time, and has a side business doing photography. She just bought a home for her kiddos to grow up in and is finally focusing on herself.  She can be found hanging out on Instagram @brandie.nicole1619 

 

Nikki: I like to start these interviews by asking a simple question to help the audience connect with you. What’s your favorite movie?

Brandie: Wow – interesting question. Hmmm… can we come back to that?

Nikki: Of course! Let’s dive right in then. When did you start your divorce process and when did you finish?

Brandie: I’ve had 2 divorces. 

I married my high school sweetheart. We were married for 5 years. Got divorced in 2017. It took about 3 months – no arguing – no attorneys – no fighting in court. 

For the last one I filed with the court in Jan 2020. Originally we agreed on everything. We didn’t have attorneys at first. 

Then he changed his mind. The judge rescheduled our court dates when we couldn’t agree, so I got an attorney and he represented himself. My attorney worked as a mediator so she redrafted our agreement and went back to the court in June 2020. 

I guess 6 months isn’t too bad. It could have been worse, but it was stressful because he was manipulative. My stress levels reduced after my attorney got involved. I knew I needed someone to step in because I carry my heart on my sleeve and can’t always hide my emotions. He cheated on me and there was just a lot going on. 

Nikki: So you felt better having an attorney?

Brandie: Because my attorney was speaking for me, I felt 100% more confident. I knew I could focus on taking care of the kids. 

Nikki: How old are your kids?

Brandie: I have a 4 year old boy and a 1 year old girl.

Nikki: What state were you in when you divorced?

Brandie: Minnesota – Ramsey county. 

Nikki: Did you consider another divorce method?

Brandie: We were planning to go to a mediator but never got around to going to one. It’s important to note that I had a judge that was only with the county for 6 months and disagreed with what had been decided. The judge was pro dad and I’m pro dad too, but I wasn’t prepared for that! 

I was utterly shocked at how he responded, and you don’t realize how dependent you are on the judge you don’t even know to make decisions for you and your kids. I just wasn’t expecting that. One minute he agreed to our terms and then the ex changed everything in court and the judge agreed with him. It’s not like I was a danger to the kids. I think I may have a speeding ticket but that’s about it – so I definitely wasn’t putting them at risk. It was shocking though.

Nikki: What are your thoughts on alimony & child support?

Brandie: I think child support is fair based on how the state calculates it.

 

“Different experiences with both divorces but I’m the one who lost money with both divorces.” 

In the last one, we had only been married for a year.  I was marrying a doctor and last year he was in school and his salary is totally different now. I gave up my entire savings because he was going to be a doctor, so I used my money to buy our house. I saw it as an investment then. 

The judge wouldn’t consider alimony because we weren’t married for a year. Having the time frame should not be there when you’ve spent money like I did. I lost my entire savings putting it in the house. But I was mainly fighting for the kids. 

There was no money there in my first marriage. We just went our separate ways. 

Nikki: So do you think your settlement was fair?

Brandie: Not fair at all. My ex is emotionally draining. I just needed him to go away. My sanity over money was worth it to me. My lawyer was willing to go to bat for me, but because of the length of the marriage and the judge, I would have spent more money with the attorney and it didn’t seem worth it. 

Nikki: Good point. That’s a lot to deal with. What was your biggest learning lesson?

Brandie: Get an attorney for peace of mind. It’s just less stressful. 

I’m currently learning more about self love – get yourself some counseling to love yourself and know what you deserve.

“Women end up in shitty situations because they think less of themselves than what they should… less than what they are.” 

It’s part of the reason I am where I am and I’m only 29. 

Nikki: Would you remarry? Would you ask for someone to sign a prenup?

Brandie: I’m old fashioned when it comes to love. I don’t think I would marry someone if I had to ask them for a prenup. I’m not against marriage because I believe in love. I don’t have a lot of money right now so my idea could change. 

But I guess I never thought about it. I guess it’s something I might do. I struggle with thinking about divorce – looking back, a prenup would have helped me. 

Nikki: Yes a prenup could have helped you get your fair share. How were your kids impacted?

Brandie: My youngest was 6 months when I moved out. 

I made sure in the beginning until we could establish a routine, to use Facetime. When she was away at each other’s houses we were Facetiming every day. Now we may only do it once a week with her. 

For my son, it was harder. It hurt because my second husband became my son’s best friend, and when we separated it became difficult. My son is an emotional kid, and now it’s kind of amplified and he’s acted out a little bit. 

We’ve been separated since last November but my son still asks for him. His biological dad is still in his life though. I asked my ex-husband to sit down with him and talk to him. He told him that my feelings were hurt and mommy was sad, and we aren’t going to be together anymore. Kids are smart. It can be hard when my ex is Facetiming with our daughter and not my son. 

Nikki: Tell me about your new house purchase.

Brandie: I’m a very determined person. I come from a background where I’m used to being disappointed by people I love, but my past and childhood have prepared me for heartache.

When I decided to leave, I was a stay-at-home mom and in school (I quit my job last year to take care of my daughter). When I found out about him cheating, I packed up my stuff and I applied for 80 jobs in one week!

I look at it like this  – what would I tell my daughter to do? If her heart is broken and she wants to leave – I’m going to help her pack and leave. We had to move into my friend’s basement… I didn’t care. 

“Two months after finding out he was having affairs, I found a house near my grandparents, got a new job, and am finishing school” 

2 months after finding out he was having affairs, I found a house near my grandparents, got a new job, and am finishing school. 

Nikki: That’s awesome. What are you majoring in?

Brandie: My first degree is in photography (I actually do photography on the side). I have an associate in Criminal Justice & Crime Analysis and will have a Bachelors in Criminal Justice. 

Nikki: That’s pretty amazing! You should be very proud of yourself!

Brandie: It’s hard some days but I keep going forward.

Nikki:  Do you think your ex was in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime? Here’s how I look at it . A celebrity like Gwyneth Paltrow would probably say “lifetime”. She will always be friends with her ex and they plan to be present in each other’s lives.

However, Tina Turner might say “reason”. When it’s for a reason it’s usually because you learned meaningful lessons, experienced growth or have bonds that tie you together. The relationship is definitely unforgettable.

Kim Kardasshian might say “season”. Short term relationship with her 1st husband and there’s nothing that ties them together. You probably learned some lessons but you’re really no longer connected.

So based on that where do you think you fall?

Brandie: I would say they were there for a reason.

 

“I wish they were relationships and not marriages, but they were there to toughen me up.”

In my 1st marriage we both came from bad household situations and were together for 11 years. We used each other to comfort and support each other. He was there when I needed him – I was struggling and we leaned on each other. No regrets.

In the last one, he showed me how I deserved to be treated – love letters, gifts, taking care of the kids… if you take away the cheating, he was like a cookie-cutter Lifetime-movie husband. 

I didn’t know that existed and that people were capable of treating you like that.

I needed to see that and be shown that someone can treat me that way if I find that right person.

I wish I would have waited and not gotten married and didn’t get cheated on, though. 

I wrote a poem about my life and I’m hoping it helps women realize that even when we get dealt shitty cards they can make it. It’s kind of long. I’ll read it to you. 

*Brandie reads her poem to me and I love it. Super personal and powerful.* 

I have that movie now – Silver Linings Playbook – I’m obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence. 

Nikki: Cool! Definitely not your traditional romantic movie. 

Brandie: Yes – that’s why I love it!

Nikki: It’s been awesome talking to you and hearing your story. Your poem is so powerful and vulnerable. I’m going to share it with the readers. 

End of Interview

If you want to be featured in our Reason, Season or Lifetime series click on the link HERE to share a little bit about yourself. We want to share different types of love stories to help as many women as possible. We want to share your real-life love / divorce story. 

 

 

 

Brandie’s Poem

We all have our problems,

perfection doesn’t exist.

Normal isn’t a thing,

just listen to this.

Born 6 weeks early,

Dad, 19, mom 17,

didn’t last long, they were only kids.

Love you dad, see you on the weekend,

Mom and I are on a whirlwind.

Now I have a stepdad, 

yeah I care about him.

He gave me a brother and sister,

but I’m still a little bitter around him.

Smash, crack, pop, things are breaking,

holes in the wall, legs are shaking.

Glass on floor,

take my brother and sister, 

shut the bathroom door.

We all know I can’t sing, 

but they didn’t care. 

Sitting on the bathroom floor,

living on a prayer.

It’s morning, 

everything’s fine.

Mom says don’t worry kid, 

go to school and shine.

At the bus stop, 

no kids in sight.

He’s coming closer, 

asked me where I live,

I’m too little to fight.

The bus comes around,

and now he is on the run.

Grandpa finds out, 

grabs a shotgun, 

puts it in the car.

We drive in circles,

can’t find him,

 but he left a scar.

We all have our problems,

perfection doesn’t exist.

Normal isn’t a thing,

just listen to this.

In the 4th grade, 

got a call,

Mom caught on fire and isn’t doing well at all.

3rd degree burns, 

living with grandma and grandpa.

10 years later found out she did it to herself, 

God mom, 

the pain you must have felt.

Let’s run away to a new town,

only for the problems to come back around.

Me, my brother and sister building a snowman, 

I hear the bang,

tell them to stay,

I knew nothing had changed.

Walked in, hands around her neck,

Screaming, 

ran to the neighbors,

called 911, 

thought I was dreaming.

Mom said, 

it’s your fault he is not here on Christmas,

man, I don’t miss this.

Grandparents are a blessing, 

no more stressing

Fast forward, 

in Jr. High. 

We loved each other,

both lost, no eye for another.

He is a drunk, 

he will get better,

I believe in you, 

let’s grow together.

Graduated, 

started college,

he’s falling behind.

I bought a house at 20, 

working on my second degree,

didn’t realize what was going on right in front of me.

I’m doing everything, 

stressing, 

but still progressing.

In a marriage all alone, 

scared of the unknown.

March 22nd, 2015, 11pm, 

house is burning down.

He keeps running back in,

here I am saving him again.

Sitting in the ambulance asking for hug,

but he doesn’t even budge.

We all have our problems,

perfection doesn’t exist.

Normal isn’t a thing,

just listen to this.

4 weeks later, 

found out I was pregnant.

I always wanted kids, 

but not like this.

January 3rd, 2016, 

you are the most amazing thing I ever seen.

I have a new outlook on life,

for you have restored my drive.

Love you kid, 

let’s thrive.

God grandpa, 

You’re stronger than this.

You’re my person,

had too much to drink,

in a coma for weeks, 

and now you’re weak. 

Still drinking, 

lots n lots grandpa,

but I can’t deal with this. 

Now I’m ready,

here’s to changes.

Sorry kid, 

your dad and I are separated. 

But two happy homes are better than one,

that’s hated. 

Here’s to new beginnings,

to a smile that’s real and all mine. 

You and me kid, 

we are going to shine. 

Yes, 

I’m a big dreamer, 

but I’m also a goal hitter. 

It took all of this for me to turn out this way,

for that I wouldn’t change,

I would keep it all the same. 

Don’t worry kid, 

I will always be your gateway.

He came in,

swept me off my feet,

Hallmark moments I didn’t think existed.

Is this too fast? 

Will you marry me? 

I said yes.

Butterflies in my stomach,

so happy.

Had a baby, 

got married, 

stay at home momma and loving it. 

What is respect, honesty and trust? 

In a marriage, 

it’s a must. 

Not this one. 

No! 

Cheating on me the whole time, 

I should have paid attention to the small signs. 

We all have our problems,

perfection doesn’t exist.

Normal isn’t a thing,

just listen to this.

Here I am, 

twice divorced,

with twos kids. 

I feel like a failure,

like I did something wrong.

Children deserve so much more, 

and for that I’m building my wall. 

I’m locking that door, 

until someone deserves that key.

I am doing this for me.

Here’s to my future,

my future with my babies.

Traveling, 

exploring. 

Adventures, 

and no more mourning.

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a certified divorce financial analyst, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE. 

Love: Reason, Season or Lifetime

Love: Reason, Season or Lifetime

Love: Reason, Season or Lifetime

AReal Life Divorce Story w/ Kemberli Stephenson

Introduction: Have you ever heard the phrase some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? While I didn’t create the phrase, it makes perfect sense to me. A divorce doesn’t make you a failure or a quitter. It’s quite the opposite, in most cases. These “love” stories will focus on the courage, lessons, & perspectives of everyday women (and some celebrities), to help you on your journey. Join me while we get in their business a bit.

Guest: Kemberli Stephenson is a proud Gen X’er, residing in North Carolina and focused on Freedom & Fun. She prides herself on her natural integration skills and can be found hanging out on Facebook & IG @SparkHustleFlow. You can also learn more by visiting her website @ www.SparkHustleFlow.com.

Referenced in the interview: Silent Preparation Series

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a certified divorce financial analyst, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE. 

Silent Preparation Series – Part 1

Silent Preparation Series – Part 1

Silent Preparation Series – Part 1

Prepare Your Finances for Divorce By Earning Money on the Side

 

I took a trip in 2019 to New Mexico with my business besties, Latasha Booth & Kemberli Stephenson. We had a great time in a rented VRBO with an amazing view, eating amazing meals and engaging in great girl talk while watching Brene Brown. The picture at the top of this post was taken on the balcony of our vacation property!

It was a fun but relaxing trip that I used my Freedom Funds to pay for. We planned the trip months prior so when it was time to go, I was more than ready, mentally & financially! 

What are Freedom Funds you ask?

Our money serves various functions in our life but it all can fall into 3 categories. Fixed Expenses, Flexible Expenses, and Freedom Funds. Freedom Funds are the dollars set aside to live life as you see fit. This may mean traveling, fine dining, indulgent self-care, or other fun ways to do WHATEVER you want. 

As you prepare for divorce, the freedom funds account becomes partially repurposed. It doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun, but it does mean that you may need these funds for “not-so-fun” things as a result of your pending divorce. 

In order to build your freedom funds quickly, it might be a good idea to earn some side/pocket money. 

In our Ultimate Financial Resource Guide, we’ve included income-earning opportunities for you to choose from depending on your situation. Most of the options are non-committal. We’re not suggesting you pick up a formal part-time gig (unless that’s what you need) just opening your eyes to simple ways to earn money to gain your “freedom” quicker!

 

Earn Side Money With Market Research Surveys

I used to participate in market research studies in person, but ever since COVID-19 hit all the invitations have been for online surveys. 

I get market research survey invitations multiple times a week that pay anywhere from $50 to $250 depending on the length of time needed and the subject matter. In July 2020 my son and I participated in a market research study that paid $250 for sharing our opinion. It took about an hour a day over 3 days to answer all the questions. 

While you won’t qualify for every survey and it’s purely optional which ones you decide to apply for it can be a simple way to increase your pocket change and build your freedom funds as you plan for your exit. In the same way that people fight over money while they’re married, I often hear people saying they can’t afford to leave.

Within the Ultimate Financial Resource Guide, I only recommend companies that I am personally signed up for or I know to be reputable. No one wants to participate in a study that they never actually get paid for.

Signing up with multiple research companies increases your chances of being invited and qualifying. If you decide to pause participating in studies (which I’ve totally done), it’s as simple as not responding to the survey invitation. 

Most pay in hard dollars, but some offer a points program or gift cards. I’ve never had to provide any bank account information for direct deposits – they just mail me a good old fashioned check. 

Popular market research companies include Precision Research, Schlesinger Associates, and Focuscope. 

Happy opinion giving!

 

Earn Side Money By Selling Your Stuff

One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure. Not only do I have clothes in my closet with the tags still on them but I also have shoes that I never wear and purses that I rarely carry. As you prepare your life for your new future, purging items that you no longer need or want can be a win-win situation.

First, it gives you the opportunity to declutter, and 2nd you may be able to earn cold hard cash from the items that you get rid of.

You can earn side money by selling your stuff on websites such as Threadup, Poshmark, and Letgo just to name a few.  Here’s an important note in that statement – I said your stuff.

Selling your own personal items or what may be deemed in the divorce world as separate property is typically fine. Selling items that may be classified as “marital property” makes things a bit messier.

Before you decide to sell anything, I invite you to browse the sites listed within the Ultimate Financial Resource Guide. It may trigger ideas about all the good stuff in your home just waiting to help you earn more money.

Happy selling!

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a certified divorce financial analyst, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE. 

When the Next Step Is Scary

When the Next Step Is Scary

When the Next Step Is Scary

What if Your World Is getting Ready to Be Turned Upside Down

 

Ohhhh sexy girlfriend!!!!

Please tell me you’ve seen Sixteen Candles (if not see below)

If you haven’t seen this movie, I kindly request that you see it ASAP. You should stop whatever you’re doing right now… wait… nevermind.

*Watch it after you finish reading this post*

Is this blog post about Sixteen Candles… no, not really — allow me to connect some dots though.

You know Jake, right?

(From the movie, not State Farm.)

I was about 5 years old when Sixteen Candles came out and I saw it for the first time when I was about 12.

I’ve seen it at least 20 times since…

Half the time, after I watch Sixteen Candles, I Google Jake.

Why?

Because Jake was H-O-T (he was the guy in the red shirt btw) !!!

His real name is Michael Earl Schoeffling (in case you were wondering).

I know that Jake retired shortly after filming Sixteen Candles. He preferred carpentry, stability, and life outside of the spotlight. And, it appears, at least according to Wikipedia, he still prefers it that way.

So what’s my point?

Jake had a ton of potential to make it in Hollywood. In my opinion, he could have just stopped acting to be a Calvin Klein model – at least to allow me to continue to admire his beautifulness. (I know… selfish!)

However, he decided to go against the grain, follow his heart, and live life the way he wanted.

My lusting desires be damned!

Mic drop. Exit stage “left”. (see what I did there?)

So my point is this: 

It’s OK for you to CHOOSE to exit stage left of your unhappy marriage, despite the opinion of others.

It’s Ok to Prepare for Divorce Even If You’re Undecided

 

Many people decide to follow their passion, but they usually wait until they’re halfway through life – assuming they live to 100. 😉

Jake… lol… where are my manners — Michael, did it at the age of 29.

29!!

It didn’t matter that he “put in years” studying his craft.

It didn’t matter that he was a heartthrob and “people expected him to stay” in Hollywood.

It also didn’t matter that he could have potentially been more “financially sound” with an acting career versus being an owner of a woodworking store.

So if you’ve been WAITING to start living your life to the fullest, it’s ok to change the course now.

I recognize that this sounds a bit oversimplified but stay with me, please.

It’s possible that you’re unsure.

You’re worried about paying all the bills on your own.

You don’t want to feel guilty and explain things to your friends and family.

You’re concerned about how this will affect your kids.

All perfectly normal.

It’s not that I want your marriage to end – it’s just that I want you to be happier – like Jake. 😊

I want you to know that it’s ok to prepare for divorce even if you’re undecided.

Plus, guess what!

Preparing for it doesn’t mean you’re going to MAKE it happen. 

It simply means you’ll be ready IF it does. 

To give you a little needed nudge, I decided to prepare a digital resource called the Silent Preparation Series.

(Seriously, just now as I was writing this, I decided).

Drastic changes may or may not be necessary for your life.

However, I know that some of you have had it with the B.S.

Some of you are at the tipping point of the life you really want.

Listen to podcasts, listen to self-help books, hire a therapist, or a life coach. Do whatever you need to do to follow your heart.

Just DO. It may feel like you are turning your world upside down when in fact you are turning it right-side up.

I welcome you to stay tuned into the FIIRM Hero Library (where you are now) and learn about your options as you consider a separation or divorce. Hope to see you soon.

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a certified divorce financial analyst, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE. 

How to Get the Support You Need During a Divorce

How to Get the Support You Need During a Divorce

How to Get the Support You Need During a Divorce

Rachel Hollis and her husband are divorcing.

 

I’m not a huge fan or foe… don’t worry.

If you’re wondering who the heck she is… don’t worry about that either 😉

She’s a big enough celebrity that there are thousands of responses to this news on social media. 

She recently announced on social media that she and her husband were splitting.

Harmless, right?

Here were some of the responses or typical responses when such an announcement is made:

“I really thought you two had it all together”😩

“You were my favorite couple”😶

“If you all can’t make it, there’s no hope for me” 😳

“Are you sure you can’t work it out” 🤬

“You seemed like you really loved each other” 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

You’re probably reading this thinking: OMG! This 👏 is 👏 not 👏 helpful‼ 

My thoughts exactly!

When someone announces their divorce, generally speaking, they are looking for support… again, that’s generally speaking…

This is probably not the kind of “support” Rachel Hollis was looking for!

Likely not what you’re looking for either‼‼

Unfortunately, a couple’s divorce often prompts us to respond with our hopes & aspirations for THEIR relationship.

We feel compelled to tell them how we feel, too!

Rachel didn’t do anything wrong, per se,  (it’s her business and her prerogative to post about), but let’s discuss how to prevent non-supportive responses as much as possible. 

 

How to get the right support during your divorce

The simplest way to get the support you need from your family and friends is to tell them how to support you AND how not to.

It sounds overly simplified but it’s an underutilized tool.

On the surface here’s what support sounds like:

“I wish you the best”

“Let me know if you need anything”

“I love you no matter what”

Because those responses don’t feel natural or normal to most of us, you may have to guide your inner circle in this direction. 

Here’s a script you can use:

“Hey(friend/family member name). I wanted to let you know that (Spouse Name) and I have decided to end our marriage. This is a very difficult decision and we still have a deep amount of (love, respect, concern, etc) for each other. 

I need your support in a major way right now and here’s what it looks like. I really need to know that you will be just as kind to him as you have always been. The best way you can help me and be there for me right now is by not asking questions about our process or questioning our decisions. I will share details as soon as I feel mentally ready, but right now I don’t have it in me. We both are doing the best we can for each other and the kids. 

If you’re unable to support me in that way, I completely understand, but just know that I will likely need to take some space away from anyone that can’t give me that right now. My final request is that you don’t say “you’re sorry”, bash (spouse name) in front of me or the kids, or tell me that you’re disappointed because I just can’t handle hearing that right now.”

I’m aware that this script assumes that your decision to end your marriage is mutual (eventually it will be) and also that your relationship is not overly hostile. 

This doesn’t have to be the EXACT script you use, but I promise something similar can work with people that truly care about you. 

This is what a modern mature divorce experience can look like.

You’re being specific and kind in your request while disarming some of their gut reactions. You’re also setting expectations and boundaries.  

Your family may still talk crap about you when you end the phone call but you can’t control that anyway, so who cares! 😂

If the person responds in a way that dishonors your request, then they may have to be cut out of your communication circle, at least for a little while. 

As the saying goes, when people show you who they are, believe them. 

 

Protect yourself during a divorce

While sharing your love during the good times is normal and feels amazing, be cautious about sharing your pain, anger, and disappointment as openly.

Here’s why…

As mentioned above, people feel inclined to tell you how they REALLY feel about your relationship & your soon-to-be-ex once you give them the space to do so.

The fastest way to open that door is by telling THEM (verbally or on social media) all the things you dislike about HIM.

While sharing your process and heartbreak on social media can be extremely cathartic, it can also be equally damaging. (For a safe way to share and receive support, see my “3’s company” comment below — keep reading!)

Not only does it invite a larger audience to give their perspective on YOUR divorce, but it can also be used against you in court. 

Trust! 

Any decent divorce attorney will tell you that’s in your best interest NOT to share intimate details about your divorce on social media or extended family/friends until it’s over. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a DM, private message, text, or a closed private Facebook group — a simple screen capture can cause your case a lot of harm. 

We all need someone we can trust and confide in during such a difficult process.

Here’s a tip:

3 is more than enough company when you’re going through a divorce. 

Find 2 true friends and 1 therapist. 

Divorce can be hard enough without worrying about judgment, disappointing others, and betrayal — keep that circle as tight as possible to protect your heart (and your case!). 🧡🧡

Rachel Hollis’s divorce announcement was open, encouraging, and balanced however unless you feel compelled, you may never need to make a similar PSA.

If you do feel the need to do so, make sure you’re ready for a couple of chinks in your armor. 

If you choose to share details about your divorce process along the way on social medial, just be very very careful.

Now you can share THIS post with someone that may need it whenever you want 😉😉!

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a certified divorce financial analyst, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE. 

Do You Speak His Divorce Language

Do You Speak His Divorce Language

Do You Speak His Divorce Language

Read this post when you’re ready to be strategic about your conversations with your soon-to-be-ex a.k.a “his a$$.”  😉

Share this post with someone that you know should be ready 🙂

It’s unnerving and uncomfortable to talk about how you’re going to split assets, but it’s necessary when you’re preparing to divorce.

Having the right money conversations early can often save you headaches and money during a divorce. 

If you’re looking for tools to help you manage your finances grab our
2020 Ultimate Financial Resource Guide.

We also recognize that fighting about things like custody sucks – but it’s common, and you want be ready. 

While there’s no true winner in a divorce, it’s for damn sure you don’t want to lose. 

Ultimately, we just want to make sure you’re prepared as much as possible. 

Upping your communication game can be a valuable tool when you’re preparing for divorce. 

 

Make Your Divorce Settlement Conversation Better, Not Worse

The most successful conversations occur when you’re aware of the personality, concerns, and communication style of the participants.

Before you begin any discussion or negotiation with your partner, start by asking permission. This can help bring down defenses. For example, “Is it ok if we start with…” can be a powerful question. 

We are not naive enough to suggest that your pending divorce is going to be smooth sailing because of our pointers, but we know that there are some key things to remember to reduce conflict. 

Here are a few notes to help you:

  1. Be respectful. Don’t interrupt your partner when they are speaking. (We know it’s HARD.) If you are worried that you might forget what you were wanting to say, take notes so that you can come back to specific points. 
  2. Establish the goal of the conversation before the discussion. Self-awareness is vital to having a successful conversation. You have to be aware of your goals and your vision. What would you consider a successful conversation? 
  3. Be patient with yourself and others. Take slow, deep breaths when you feel anxious or upset. When others become noticeably uncomfortable or begin to shut down, don’t push too hard, especially if you know your spouse typically struggles with difficult conversations. It’s ok to discuss topics in bite size pieces.
  4. Be mindful of your facial expressions and body language. He can see you rolling your eyes. 😉
  5. Be positive/optimistic as much as you possibly can. 

Here’s a good bottom line, a.k.a. a FIIRM approach: Be mindful of the way you communicate differing opinions. Affirmative tones can help keep defenses down and encourage genuine listening.  

Take a look at the conversation “CheckPoints” below.

How to use his Style to Your Advantage in a Divorce

When deciding what option to pick to communicate effectively with your partner, note that people often have primary or dominant personality traits. 

If you feel as if they have a primary and a very close secondary style, you can intertwine the communication notes for the respective categories.

Here’s a fun way to think about it. 

  1. Consider their “marine animal” personality
  2. Use their marine animal personality to change the way you communicate with your spouse about your divorce. 
  3. Replace your wallet picture of him with a picture of his dominant personality 😉

Marine Animal Personality Types:

Dolphin – Dolphins are the life of the party. They love to talk and are typically very expressive.

Strengths: See the possibilities in solutions. Makes quick decisions. Thrives on being around people. Animated expressions and often speaks loudly. 

Weaknesses: Less time-oriented. Can be seen as a dreamer. Easily bored with routine or becomes less productive when energy diminishes.

Shark – A shark is ultra-competitive and often aggressive. They enjoy being in charge and driving the decision.

Strengths: Need to feel in control. Thrives on motivating others and making fast decisions. Money and power can be motivating factors.  

Weaknesses: Inpatient, bossy, has a difficult time apologizing, and is an impulsive decision maker. Strongly dislikes feeling powerless or controlled.

Urchin – Analytical, detailed-oriented individuals. Urchins are good at planning but may take longer to make decisions. Facts are important. 

Strengths: Disciplined and relies on logic. They prefer to have all the facts and information before making a decision. They thrive on respect. 

Weaknesses: They may be too introspective, critical of others, and unforgiving. Over-analyzes; May seem cold & distant.

Whale – A whale is a caretaker. They are amiable and dependable. They seek to please others. 

Strengths: They tend to be more easy going, sympathetic, and kind. They work well under pressure, and flourish in a supportive environment. 

Weaknesses: They may remain quieter during a conversation. Overly emotional. May take a pessimistic attitude; May lack motivation and discipline to stay on task.

Plan Your Divorce Using Unspoken Leverage

The divorce process can be emotionally overwhelming. 

Often things are said that one of you might regret later. 

Fighting is often based in fear. If you are able to take the time to remember some key things about your soon-to-be-ex, it could be helpful in getting your divorce strategically. You will likely have a deeper understanding of his fears.

This is not about playing games, just recognizing what game you are in. 

Utilize the tips above to plan your upcoming conversations. 

Until next time… Patience and progress!

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a certified divorce financial analyst, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE. 

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