Divorce in a Loving Way
Divorce in a Loving Way
There’s a noticeable trend with celebrity divorces and their press release statements when they are divorcing or separating.
As sideline friends (aka fans), we often have strong reactions to the news, depending on how we feel about the couple.
“It’s about damn time.” (for those we thought should have never married anyway 😏😏)
“OMG, nooooooooooo. They were couple goals” (think Jason Momoa & Lisa Bonet 😥😥)
“Oh Wow, damn.” (think Blair Underwood & Desiree DaCosta 😯😯)
These are just some of the sentiments shared on social media and in our girlfriend conversations.
We read the statements released by the couple looking for a clue about “why… what happened?”
We express anger, disappointment, and shock as if we know them personally, all the while knowing we are so many degrees separated from the celebrity couple that their divorce will have little to no impact on our day-to-day lives.
But what about the people who are close to us and decide to divorce?
Or what about when it’s us?
There are times when the way celebrities lead their lives is so unrelatable that there’s not much that every day people can learn from it. But I think that this trend presents an opportunity for us to learn from.
The FIIRM Approach methodology includes declaring your intention at the very beginning of the divorce process. Setting an intention doesn’t mean you will do everything right or won’t have moments when you feel unsure, but it’s a chance to hold yourself accountable and manage the expectations of others.
Celebrity divorce statements typically have the same themes – sadness, continuation of love & respect, the desire to move forward apart, and the need for privacy.
With some couples, you finish reading those statements and either believe it because the couple has demonstrated positive and mature behavior throughout their marriage, or…
On the other hand we may be thinking that message is about as pointless as wearing sandals in the snow, because the couple has routinely demonstrated toxic, volatile, immature, or routine disrespectful behavior.
So what’s the lesson for us normal blue & white collar working folk?
I wrote a blog post in 2020 called How to Get the Support You Need During a Divorce to help women understand the power they have in shaping their divorce experience.
While you may have the judgment of millions of strangers to consider as you prepare to divorce, managing the expectations of your family by setting the tone in a joint or individual statement can help you get the support you need.
If you want a positive divorce, state those intentions to your soon-to-be-ex as well as your close family and friends so that it is established how you plan to move through the process and what boundaries you will put in place.
In the blog post mentioned above, one of the things I mentioned is that giving your statement means “You’re being specific and kind in your request while disarming some of their gut reactions.”
Your statement doesn’t need to be delivered through a publicist or posted on social media. It can be shared via email, text, or even phone call based on your opinion of the best way to communicate the news.
Once the statement is made, there isn’t much need to get your family and friends involved.
If you’ve ever heard someone say “I’m staying out of it”, it’s usually because most people DON’T want to be caught in the middle of your divorce, especially if it turns hostile.
Of course sharing a statement doesn’t necessarily stop people from asking questions, but I welcome you to take another page from the celebrity playbook and respond with “No comment” or “There is nothing further to share at this point” and keep it moving.
This is your way of indirectly pointing them back to your statement as a reminder that you want to divorce in a loving way or at the very least keep the drama and interference to a minimum.
Divorcing in a loving way can also mean that you have no desire to “fight to the death” with your soon-to-be-ex. This may look different for each of us depending on the circumstances of the divorce, however, here are a few examples:
- Pick a less contentious divorce method/try to stay out of court as much as possible
- Understand your emotional triggers and non-negotiable items
- Make sure you are having conversations or negotiations from an informed position
- Find emotional/mental support specifically for your divorce journey
- Refrain from oversharing
- Understand your partner’s triggers
- Spend more time listening
- Choose mutually beneficial ways to communicate (email or letters)
- Be mindful of responses from a place of anger or hurt. Pause and collect your thoughts when needed.
- Understand that everyone is going to lose in some way.
Your divorce may not look like something on the Hallmark Channel (one of my favorite channels by the way,) but you have the opportunity to frame your divorce journey with the best intentions, which is a great place to start.
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Founder & Managing Director
Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE.