Do You Speak His Divorce Language
Read this post when you’re ready to be strategic about your conversations with your soon-to-be-ex a.k.a “his a$$.” 😉
Share this post with someone that you know should be ready 🙂
It’s unnerving and uncomfortable to talk about how you’re going to split assets, but it’s necessary when you’re preparing to divorce.
Having the right money conversations early can often save you headaches and money during a divorce.
If you’re looking for tools to help you manage your finances grab our
2020 Ultimate Financial Resource Guide.
We also recognize that fighting about things like custody sucks – but it’s common, and you want be ready.
While there’s no true winner in a divorce, it’s for damn sure you don’t want to lose.
Ultimately, we just want to make sure you’re prepared as much as possible.
Upping your communication game can be a valuable tool when you’re preparing for divorce.
Make Your Divorce Settlement Conversation Better, Not Worse
The most successful conversations occur when you’re aware of the personality, concerns, and communication style of the participants.
Before you begin any discussion or negotiation with your partner, start by asking permission. This can help bring down defenses. For example, “Is it ok if we start with…” can be a powerful question.
We are not naive enough to suggest that your pending divorce is going to be smooth sailing because of our pointers, but we know that there are some key things to remember to reduce conflict.
Here are a few notes to help you:
- Be respectful. Don’t interrupt your partner when they are speaking. (We know it’s HARD.) If you are worried that you might forget what you were wanting to say, take notes so that you can come back to specific points.
- Establish the goal of the conversation before the discussion. Self-awareness is vital to having a successful conversation. You have to be aware of your goals and your vision. What would you consider a successful conversation?
- Be patient with yourself and others. Take slow, deep breaths when you feel anxious or upset. When others become noticeably uncomfortable or begin to shut down, don’t push too hard, especially if you know your spouse typically struggles with difficult conversations. It’s ok to discuss topics in bite size pieces.
- Be mindful of your facial expressions and body language. He can see you rolling your eyes. 😉
- Be positive/optimistic as much as you possibly can.
Here’s a good bottom line, a.k.a. a FIIRM approach: Be mindful of the way you communicate differing opinions. Affirmative tones can help keep defenses down and encourage genuine listening.
Take a look at the conversation “CheckPoints” below.
How to use his Style to Your Advantage in a Divorce
When deciding what option to pick to communicate effectively with your partner, note that people often have primary or dominant personality traits.
If you feel as if they have a primary and a very close secondary style, you can intertwine the communication notes for the respective categories.
Here’s a fun way to think about it.
- Consider their “marine animal” personality
- Use their marine animal personality to change the way you communicate with your spouse about your divorce.
- Replace your wallet picture of him with a picture of his dominant personality 😉
Marine Animal Personality Types:
Dolphin – Dolphins are the life of the party. They love to talk and are typically very expressive.
Strengths: See the possibilities in solutions. Makes quick decisions. Thrives on being around people. Animated expressions and often speaks loudly.
Weaknesses: Less time-oriented. Can be seen as a dreamer. Easily bored with routine or becomes less productive when energy diminishes.
Shark – A shark is ultra-competitive and often aggressive. They enjoy being in charge and driving the decision.
Strengths: Need to feel in control. Thrives on motivating others and making fast decisions. Money and power can be motivating factors.
Weaknesses: Inpatient, bossy, has a difficult time apologizing, and is an impulsive decision maker. Strongly dislikes feeling powerless or controlled.
Urchin – Analytical, detailed-oriented individuals. Urchins are good at planning but may take longer to make decisions. Facts are important.
Strengths: Disciplined and relies on logic. They prefer to have all the facts and information before making a decision. They thrive on respect.
Weaknesses: They may be too introspective, critical of others, and unforgiving. Over-analyzes; May seem cold & distant.
Whale – A whale is a caretaker. They are amiable and dependable. They seek to please others.
Strengths: They tend to be more easy going, sympathetic, and kind. They work well under pressure, and flourish in a supportive environment.
Weaknesses: They may remain quieter during a conversation. Overly emotional. May take a pessimistic attitude; May lack motivation and discipline to stay on task.
Plan Your Divorce Using Unspoken Leverage
The divorce process can be emotionally overwhelming.
Often things are said that one of you might regret later.
Fighting is often based in fear. If you are able to take the time to remember some key things about your soon-to-be-ex, it could be helpful in getting your divorce strategically. You will likely have a deeper understanding of his fears.
This is not about playing games, just recognizing what game you are in.
Utilize the tips above to plan your upcoming conversations.
Until next time… Patience and progress!
Founder & Managing Director
Nikki is a 16-year financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit in their new financial life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your new money life easier. Grab your FREE Ultimate Resource Guide HERE.