Published February 20, 2025

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Perfect relationships don’t exist. For those who have figured out how to navigate to the marriage mountaintop, we know the harder part is staying there. 

Real Warning Signs Your Relationship is in Trouble

Have you ever looked at a friend’s marriage and wondered “why they got married?”

Speculated how many years it would last?

Sometimes it feels like we know more about celebrity marriages than those closest to us. 

Especially since we have access to stories about their demise, and often, based on the headlines, we can see the signs a relationship is in trouble.

However, we rarely know the tipping point or the red flags that pushed these marriages to the literal finish line.

This blog post can help you recognize the warning signs that your relationship might be in trouble.

Do you have relationship problems that can be solved?

Is your situation so dysfunctional that you’re starting to think it’s best to part ways?

Either way, pay attention to the warning signs.

Can the relationship be saved?

When researching this blog post, I knew real-life experiences/stories from everyday divorcees would serve you better. Some people were married for a long time, and others had shorter relationships.

Their identities are not disclosed to protect their privacy; the details, however, are verbatim accounts. Similar to real life, there are several different reasons that people’s relationships end.

Trigger Warning: Some personal stories are raw, and while not intended to upset you or cause you to relive personal trauma, they may be triggering depending on your situation. Please proceed cautiously and stop reading if the post stirs up too many negative emotions.

These personal stories are provided so that you know you are not alone if you are in an unhealthy relationship or marriage. The FIIRM Approach primarily supports female breadwinners, but this post includes personal experiences from men and women.

You might relate to an underlying issue in your marriage.

You may even realize that you need to check your own behavior.

Some relationships can be saved, and some can’t. Maybe you already know the answer about yours. 

If your goal is to try to save your relationship, I highly recommend checking out the book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

2 Real-life experiences – Signs a Relationship is in Trouble:

“My divorce was somewhat unexpected. He just told me he wanted a divorce and soon after moved out. At the time, things weren’t great, but I didn’t see a divorce. But deep down, I didn’t see a future with us being together”

“Let me start by saying I should have known better than to marry him. He was very possessive, which I mistaken for love. I knew it was over when he became very indifferent to me. Exactly 7 years! I knew he was cheating… I called him on it and he admitted it. We got back together, built a new house, and he cheated again, ugh…the tipping was him using MY credit card to take her to a concert and dinner. Bottom line, he did me a big favor; had I not known bad, I wouldn’t know good.”

Download our Divorce Support Pack  to get started on finding the right resources to help you.

Are changes in behaviors a sign that your relationship is in trouble?

Of course, depending on the changes in behavior, it can be a sign that your relationship or marriage is in trouble. The range is extensive, but a few examples of unhealthy behaviors include:

• emotional distance,
• sneaky behavior,
• infidelity,
• problems with vices (e.g., gambling or addiction),
• constant dishonesty,
• physical, emotional abuse, etc.

A good romantic relationship or marriage includes honest communication, emotional support, a deep level of intimacy, and trust.

When your partnership lacks these things and starts to feel like a scene from “What’s Love Got to do With It”, it’s a sign of a deeper issue. Tackle it head-on, if your goal is to preserve the relationship.

4 Real-life experiences – When Behavior Changes Signal Relationship Trouble:

“ A younger girl that we both worked with started calling our house regularly to speak to my husband. I knew the marriage was in trouble, but I knew it was over when he moved into the young lady’s college dorm room in another state, and tried to lie about it. I couldn’t reach him, but eventually, I got her dorm phone number and left a message for him to call me. No surprise, he got the message and called me back” 😐

“ I knew that it was going to end in divorce when he started out to shoot pool at night, and he would come home at two or three in the morning. Then he would go to the grocery store to get some cereal and come back home 3 hours later with some grapes! 😈 We married about a week before our son was born, and we divorced when he was about 4 years old.”

“I had been avoiding the inevitable for years. The tipping point was him telling me he was attending the side chick’s son’s funeral when he supposedly hated funerals, and he hadn’t gone to one in the 18 years we were together.” 😐

“My husband was stationed in another state and moved in with [a woman] and her boyfriend at the time because he was friends with the boyfriend. The boyfriend moved out, and my husband stayed. When he told me about it, I told him to move out, and he said he was going to stay and help her because she had a child. The child was not the ex-boyfriend, and that is when I said to myself that we were done. A few months later, he called and said he moved out so we could get a place together, but I was already done with him. I knew he cheated with her, and I didn’t want him.” (He later married the woman)

How does a lack of communication impact marriage?

Those married for a long time or in a long-term relationship, have heard this saying:

“the foundation of a healthy relationship is good, open communication”

I think this is very true. 

There’s a direct correlation between communication issues and relationship issues. Silent treatments or the inability to communicate effectively, it is a clear sign of trouble.

Communication Issues Could Be a Sign That Your Relationship is in Trouble – A real-life experience to learn from:

“I confronted my wife about the fact that my stepdaughter would not speak when spoken to nor initiate speaking when I arrived home. I asked her if she would talk to her about it, and my wife told me to address it with my stepdaughter, who was in 3rd or 4th grade at the time. My mother-in-law told my wife it was her job…she took a pass. I knew then the marriage had a finite timeline. The child’s disrespect ultimately cost her parents dearly, remained a source of contention in our marriage, and helped accelerate our demise.”

Can Communication Issues Be Solved?

The key to resolving communication issues starts with intention and fast action – Surprise, Surprise.

When you allow things to simmer for too long it is easy to build deep seated resentment.

That’s when it’s harder to come back from.

Communicating honestly but with kindness, as much as humanly possible, is key.

Here are a couple of simple relationship communication tips: 

• Ask for permission to discuss hard things and ensure the timing is right. Address issues when there are no distractions, and the environment is conducive. This could distinguish between a cordial conversation and WWIII in your house. If your partner doesn’t want to discuss something in the moment, forcing the conversation could be a bad idea. However, if they never want to discuss hard things – that’s usually a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.  

   

• Try to frame negative statements with ‘we’ instead of ‘you.’ For example, “I know we are having an issue with _____. Let’s discuss how we can solve it together”.

   

• As my Uncle Larry would say, pause and collect your thoughts. The art of the pause is powerful. Moments of silence are different than silent treatments. Give your brain a chance to process what was said, ask for clarification (when needed), and then respond with something you won’t regret.

This book breaks down communication issues on level I’ve rarely seen so it might be worth checking out if you’re trying to save the relationship – Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

But, if your intention is ripping their heart out and stomping on it – you do you – feel free to ignore the tips above.

Is there a connection between money & marital bliss?

As a financial professional, I could not write this blog post about signs that your marriage is in trouble without discussing money.

Money continues to be one of the major stressors of all humans regardless of marital status, and it’s definitely an underlying issue of divorce.

Here are a few financial signs that mean your relationship is in trouble:

• Arguments about small expenses. Little things can turn into big things quickly. Unless your family is severely cash strapped, arguments about $5 here and $10 there is annoying. But it’s often a sign of a larger issue. 

   

• Clashing money personalities. It’s okay to have different ways of doing things. Still, you should move toward the same goal when you’re in a romantic relationship. A lack of shared vision or unified planning is problematic.

   

• Money used as a power move – Salaries should not be used as a weapon against you. A marriage should include financial transparency and respect regardless of the amount of financial contribution. Money spent frivolously on other people or things is a sign of trouble.

2 Real-life experiences to learn from related to money and control:

“My first husband was not bringing home money, and I had to hunt him down on paydays. Constantly cheating – the final straw was when his girlfriend called my house with information on their engagement. My second husband was too mean and controlling. I cannot be controlled.”

“I suspected he had a serious mental health condition after our first child was born because he wanted to control me by not letting me work and controlling all the money. When I did get a little part-time job waitressing, he came in and caused a commotion and got me fired. When I was pregnant with our second child, and he threw me on the ground and choked me. I knew I had to go then for sure. He also told me he would drug me when I didn’t know it and get me committed to a mental institution so that he could get the kids. 😮

That’s when I promised myself I would go back to school so I could support my kids after the divorce, and I did. Luckily, my father paid for school, and my aunt babysat some so I could go back to school part-time. He went to federal prison. That’s when I divorced him and finished school because I knew he couldn’t retaliate while in prison. I stayed 3 1/2 years after the choking incident so I could be financially able to take care of us. If there’s one thing I would have done very differently, I would have gotten out sooner because the kids would not have had the attachment they had.”

Is Money Keeping You Stuck in a Sucky Relationship?

If financial issues keep you from progressing as a couple, here’s a tip that may help.

Align your goals—There should be room for ‘me’ and ‘we’ goals. ‘Me goals should support, not counteract, ‘we goals’. Address unhealthy behaviors that prevent you from reaching your financial dreams as a team.

 However, if your financial issues are part of a deeper problem and are keeping you stuck in the relationship that you want to get out of, here’s a different tip for you.

Take Your Power Back—If your partner is hiding financial information, controlling how you spend money, and holding you financially hostage, formulate a game plan to regain your financial power.

Does it feel like your partner has checked out of the relationship?

The reality is that most people don’t check out of relationships overnight – especially marriages. When date nights become infrequent, or you just aren’t spending quality time together like you used to, it could be a sign of trouble.

Maybe there’s a good reason, and this is a “seasonal” issue. Still, you and I both know your partner’s needs (or yours) can’t go unmet for long periods without it leading to bigger problems. A lack of physical intimacy is a silent treatment louder than words.

What about when you find yourself having negative feelings a little too often? If you cringe when you see their face, hear their name, or feel their touch, it’s a good reason to be worried.

3 Real-life experiences – Emotional Distance and Indifference = Checking Out:

“I knew the moment I officially moved out. I was firm that if he let me leave, I was never coming back. He let me leave – ain’t nobody got time for that. We even messed around a bit after I moved out, but there was no reconciling at that point.”

“I did not look at her as my prize. She was just another woman. Had no desire or energy to work on the faults. In my mind, if I saw her in a romantic setting with another man, I would not be upset. 💡 That’s when I knew it was over.”

“At counseling, the therapist suggested to her that four years of breastfeeding might be a way of avoiding intimacy with me. Her response was – “I have no intentions of quitting breastfeeding to get intimate with him.” End of session. End of marriage.”

How to Reconnect Using Love Languages 

Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts has some relationship gurus in a choke hold. While Mr. Chapman was not a relationship guru or licensed therapist (he was a church marriage counselor and pastor), I think his theories on love languages make sense in the most basic way possible.

You and your partner may have different primary needs, and it’s mutually beneficial if you understand them.

Do you remember your partner’s love language?

Do you know your own?

If you haven’t completely given up on your relationship yet, it’s essential to recognize that love languages can change.

So, the first thing to do is to make sure that you and your partner understand each other’s current love language. Then, use that information to work through your relationship problems in a healthy way.

Try this as a baby step to improve your relationship: Facilitate discussions based on each other’s love language. For example, if your partner loves physical touch, have a deep talk while holding hands or cuddling because physical touch lowers stress by releasing oxytocin.

Lowered stress may equate to lower defenses or attacks, making your conversations more productive.

This could be the breakthrough you need to START to work through in terms of communication issues, intimacy issues, and other relationship problems.

To be clear, implementing this strategy will still require lots of patience and work.

I’m not naïve enough to suggest that “all you need to do is hold hands”

When the relationship can’t be saved

The reality is that every relationship can’t be saved. However, when your and your partner’s attempts to save it are well aligned, it can result in a healthier, more committed relationship. This blog post has uncovered various signs that your relationship might be in trouble.

Your final hat trick may be expert relationship intervention through couples therapy, marriage counseling, or divorce lawyers, and there is no shame in that.

I’m sure you gave it your best shot, and I want you to be prepared for the next phase.

You May Also Be Interested In:

• When the Next Step is Scary
• Silent Preparation Series I – Prepare Your Finances – Earn Side Money
• Silent Preparation Series II – Signs You Might Be Living Outside Your Means

Disclaimer: The information provided is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute professional legal or financial advice for your personal situation.