Updated January 7, 2025

Originally Published: February 15, 2022

“There’s no such thing as an amicable divorce.”

🙄 🙄 🙄

The number of times I see this in social media comments is nauseating.

Maybe the owner of the comment has never experienced one or witnessed it but trust me, as a divorce professional, they do exist.

This blog post will provide tips for those seeking to understand how to get an amicable divorce and ways to approach normal challenges in a contested or uncontested divorce process.

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Celebrity divorces happen regularly and seem to have a common theme.

No – not just expensive divorce lawyers. 😊

Press releases!

Their press releases offer the same themes of sadness, wishing others the best, continuing love and respect, the desire to move forward, and of course, the need for privacy.

Then, the divorcing couple moves forward with a peaceful divorce, seemingly drama-free.

As outsiders, we form our own opinions about how we feel about the couple and what we think is happening behind closed doors.

Sometimes, we even express anger, disappointment, and shock because it feels like if we know them personally.

In reality, we are so many degrees separated from the celebrity couple that their divorce will have little to no impact on our day-to-day lives.

But what about when it’s us?

Very often, celebrities lead their lives in such unrelatable ways that there’s not much that the average person can learn from them.

However, I think the trend of reaching an amicable resolution (whether for PR reasons or not) could help us understand how to manage with a collaborative approach.

Setting the Foundation for a Peaceful Divorce

It is possible to divorce in a peaceful, loving way.

The FIIRM Approach methodology includes declaring your intention at the very beginning of the process to achieve a peaceful divorce.

Setting an intention doesn’t mean you will do everything right.

However, it’s a chance to hold yourself accountable, manage the expectations of others, and have an open dialogue about your boundaries.

To achieve a peaceful, amicable divorce, a possible starting point could be sharing a “good faith statement” with your spouse.

Communicate your desire for an amicable separation and the intention to reach common ground on topics that may be difficult to resolve.

Inform your soon-to-be-ex that you see the divorce as the pathway to a happier, brighter future for the both of you. (Of course, only say things like this if you MEAN THEM). Your faith statement can be communicated verbally and written as long as the method feels authentic to you.

While you may not have the judgment of millions of strangers to consider as you prepare to divorce, it may be a good idea to manage the expectations of your friends and family by setting the tone in a joint or individual divorce statement can help you get the support you need.

You know…kind of how celebrities do.

Check out our blog post called How to Get the Support You Need During a Divorce to help you understand your power in shaping your divorce experience using effective communication.

Check out our Divorce Support Pack to give you the tools to craft your statement.

How to Announce Your Divorce

Share how you plan to move through the divorce process, communicate boundaries, and “set the narrative.” 

I want you to be prepared for normal gut reactions questioning your decisions, asking if you tried hard enough, suggesting that you go to counseling and another commentary that may seem insulting or unhelpful once you decide to divorce.

In the blog post above, I mentioned that providing a divorce statement means “You’re being specific and kind in your request while disarming some of these gut reactions.”

Your divorce statement must not be delivered through a publicist or even posted on social media. It can be shared via email, text, at dinner with friends, or even phone calls based on your opinion of the best way to communicate the news.

Too often, people are pulled into nasty divorces, forced to choose sides, defend others’ actions, and, in rare cases, testify in court.

Honestly, except for the nosey humans, most of your family & friends don’t want to get in the middle of your divorce.

They want to support you as you make this difficult transition.

They want to stay above the fray and the “cray-cray.”

Plus, you should never feel obligated to discuss the terms of your divorce.

Of course, sharing a divorce statement doesn’t necessarily stop people from asking questions. Still, I welcome you to take another page from the celebrity playbook and respond with “I don’t have any major updates ” or “There is nothing further to share at this point.”

It may seem unnatural at first because you might be used to oversharing, but it serves as a gentle reminder that you want a peaceful divorce and would like to keep the interference to a minimum.

10 Ways to Divorce in a Loving Way

Divorcing in a peaceful & loving means you have no desire to “fight to the death” with your soon-to-be ex. This may look different for each of us, depending on the divorce circumstances. However, here are a few examples of how to achieve a peaceful, amicable divorce:

1. Explore less contentious divorce methods, also called alternative dispute resolution methods. Understand that no matter how hard you try, you may end up in court, but note that most divorce cases settle out of court. Regardless of the method you choose, legal advice is pretty imperative.

Check out our Divorce Support Pack to give you the tools to craft your statement.

2. Find emotional/mental support specifically for your divorce journey. Keeping your inner circle tight means sharing your darkest moments with your most trusted friends and a therapist. The common mistake people make is firing their therapist during divorce proceedings or immediately after their divorce is final. However, a therapist can provide valuable guidance throughout the entire journey.

3. Understand your emotional triggers (this does not mean you are not expected to feel emotional). On Monday morning, you might feel relief and deep despair on Monday evening. Suppressing these feelings is unnecessary, as they are a natural part of your healing journey.

4. Understand your partner’s triggers, which will help with more effective communication.

5. Choose mutually beneficial ways to communicate, but protect yourself by following up in writing, when possible, when discussing terms of your divorce verbally.

6. Make sure you are negotiating from an informed position regarding financial matters.  Understand your numbers. This is a good way to protect your financial security.

7. Refrain from oversharing (this includes family, friends, AND social media). Sharing your divorce story on TikTok or Instagram may feel common as you go through the journey, but it may not benefit your divorce case or your future relationship with your “soon-to-be former spouse.”

8. Spend more time listening. When your partner shares their demands, ask “Why” to ensure you understand instead of making assumptions based on what you think you know.

9. Be mindful of your responses that come from a place of anger or hurt. Pause and collect your thoughts when needed, and try not to interrupt your spouse during negotiations.

10. Understand that everyone will lose in some way…strategically prepare for your losses. Recognize that you are unlikely to get everything you ask for, but it can still be a fair agreement. Your non-negotiables should be reasonable and aligned with divorce laws in your state/province. Once the divorce papers are signed, like the BoysIIMen song, you’ve reached the end of the road.

What Gets in the Way of a Peaceful Divorce

Your divorce may not look like something on the Hallmark Channel (Yes, I’m a fan), but you can frame your divorce journey with the best intentions, which, again, is a significant first step.

There are 5 areas of divorce that commonly bring in complexity as well as tension when finalizing your marital settlement agreement (MSA).

I’ll connect the dots in those five areas and the tips above.

Property Division in Divorce

The most significant issue when it comes to the terms of the divorce is the division of property.
Whether it’s the home where your “babies grew up” or the dream car.

It is essential to understand that divorce has two main types of property. Marital and Separate property.

Marital property means it’s jointly owned or acquired during your marriage. Separate property means you owned the asset before the marriage or received it as a gift or inheritance during the marriage.

This is not as black and white as it appear,s but let’s focus on the tips.

Tactical Step: To determine what’s marital vs separate, create a list or spreadsheet of all your assets and identify which category each asset falls into. See tips #6, 8, 9 and 10 above.

Our digital pre-divorce program, Silent Preparation Series, includes a template to make this exercise easier.

Debt Division

Marital debts can be as contentious as assets when it comes to division. Secret loans or fabulous spending habits can result in difficult negotiations when dividing debt.
No different than property division, there’s marital debt or separate debt.
Tactical Step: Outside of your mortgage, focus on paying off as many debts as possible or removing your name from joint debts by refinancing them into an individual account. Your MSA will not override your loan or credit card agreement. See tips #3, 4, and 10 above.

Child Custody

Remember that the court will prioritize custody arrangements in the best interests of the child/children (particularly minor children) and protect the relationship with both parents if it’s deemed safe.
Tactical Step: Document facts, not feelings. Maintain records of who handles primary responsibilities for your child’s life. Document questionable decisions that have genuinely placed your child in danger. See tips #2, 3, 4, 9, and 10 above.

Child Support

Contrary to popular belief, physical custody doesn’t always directly correlate to child support. For example, a high-earning spouse may have primary physical custody or 50/50 custody and still be required to pay child support to their former spouse.
Tactical Step: Be reasonable, transparent, and cooperative when negotiating your custody agreement. Put your child’s needs first, which will always be favored in family court. See tips #2, 3, 4, 9, and 10 above.

Spousal Support

There are about 7 different types of alimony, which means there’s a lot of room for negotiation. However, income, the length of your marriage, and the state/province where you file for divorce are generally the most important factors in determining spousal support amounts.
Tactical Step: Be reasonable, transparent, and cooperative when negotiating your custody agreement. Complete a post-divorce budget. See tips #2, 3, 4, 9, and 10 above.

The Importance of Documentation

Divorcing peacefully doesn’t mean that there is no paperwork. Don’t get me wrong, determining your tactical negotiation strategy (e.g., your first offer should not be your final offer) is important, but so is your documentation preparation. Organizing your personal and financial documents will make your divorce process less daunting and lead you down the path to a fair settlement. The more organized and transparent you are, the more credibility you bring to your demands and the more confident you feel about your positions.

So, get those bank accounts, retirement plans, loan statements, child care expenses, and tax returns ready to be analyzed so that you appear cooperative.

Benefits of an Amicable Divorce

Divorce presents a tumultuous and often incredibly painful time in your life. Understanding what you might be up against and how you can work through those things as allies vs adversaries, with the right professional help, is important.

There are many benefits to an amicable divorce, but a few of the top ones are:
1. Make the legal process less stressful
2. Keeps the legal fees & overall cost of your divorce down
3. Reduce emotional stress and preserve a future amicable relationship

This post was about learning how to get an amicable divorce. We share 10 tips plus tactical ways to achieve just that. We also developed a guide to highlight information as you navigate your pre & post-divorce journey.

Check out our Divorce Support Pack to start you on the path to survive your divorce.