11 Rules that Every Modern Female Breadwinner Needs to Know to Manage Money

11 Rules that Every Modern Female Breadwinner Needs to Know to Manage Money

May 18, 2025

11 Rules that Every Modern Female Breadwinner Needs to Know to Manage Money

Originally Posted –  June 15, 2018
Most Recent Update  – May 2025

 

Do you have to follow all 11 rules to manage your money better?

 

Of course not.

 

But…

 

Have you ever baked something and skipped a couple of the ingredients?

 

Unless, you are making a flourless cake, there are some ingredients that are usually important in baked goods – usually flour, butter, or sugar (or some sweetener)?

 

Managing money is very similar.

 

While I consider all 11 to be good financial tips for women and fundamentally necessary for women when it comes to managing your money, you are free to apply and act on what makes sense to you.

These rules are the guiding principles for modern women who are ready to regain control of their money and reach their financial goals by using these simple tactics!

So, let’s get into it! If you know you’re ready to make your money make more sense, don’t forget to grab our ULTIMATE FINANCIAL RESOURCE GUIDE TODAY.

 

Rule #1: Thou Shall Have Financial Boundaries (aka Don’t Let Everyone Borrow Money)

When your family & friends know your payday as well or better than you, WE have a freaking problem.

 

If they treat your money like it’s “our” money (Spouses excluded, of course), it’s time to wave the white flag.

 

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries to manage your money better!!

As breadwinners, our budget troubles are sometimes caused by those who abuse our kindness.

 

It’s okay to say “No” when your loved ones treat you like their personal 1st Federal, ATM, payday loan store, etc.

 

When I first heard the phrase that “No” was a sentence, I felt crazy empowered.

 

This was years ago, but it sticks out to me like it was yesterday.

 

Like…damn…there’s no need to provide an explanation unless I want to.

Managing Money Rules

 

Sometimes, just pausing and saying absolutely nothing is damn near orgasmic too!

Too far…. Okay, I digress.

 

If you’re not ready to say “No“ quite yet, here’s another option. Maybe you know the answer is “No,” but you say, “Let me get back to you.”

 

It’s a straightforward and non-confrontational way to respond.

 

When you follow up, your answer can start with “I hope you understand…” or “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to….”

 

Alternatively, you can give a really slow yes. Like a two-month-long, slow yes. Let’s say they ask in May, and you respond in July.

 

By then, they’ll find an alternative superhero.

 

Lastly, I’m giving you permission not to follow up at all (not that you need permission from me anyway 😊)

 

Seriously, sometimes we must be our own protectors.

 

Don’t be flaky or unreliable.

 

Be like one of those guards who stand in front of Buckingham Palace.

 

Regardless of what funny faces or weird antics they see, these soldiers have real boundaries.

 

They completely ignore you and all the distracting bullshit (well unless you touch them) without breaking position.

 

It’s actually quite impressive.

 

That’s who you may have to be. At least, until you are ready to say “No” and mean it.

 

Guess what happens when people feel like they are being ignored?

They stop calling on you for help.

 

Have you ever heard the phrase “To whom much is given, much is required?”

 

Well, much is relative, and sometimes, too damn much is required.

 

Occasionally, it feels like we might be paying a penalty for our blessings and accomplishments.

 

Some of us were the

  • 1st to graduate from college,
  • the only ones in our family who are married
  • the only ones who own real estate
  • or even the only ones with good credit and the ability to save money.

 

When you have done those things and family or friends have the audacity to say things like, “Well, you don’t really need the money anyway” or “It’s not like you’re going to miss it,” it can be infuriating.

 

If you have set realistic financial goals and someone’s “small favor” will stop you from hitting those goals, then you have entered dangerous financial territory.

 

 

via GIPHY

I urge you to get out!

 

Be a friend, be an ear, be a shoulder.

 

But remember that you can’t carry everyone’s burden.

 

You can’t bail everyone out.

 

Sometimes it’s okay just to sip tea, listen, be understanding, and do nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Affirmation: It is safe for me to say “No” and still support the prosperity of others.

 

Check the FIIRM Approach YouTube channel for information like this

 

Rule #2: Thou Shall Treat, Not Trick Yourself into Debt (aka Use Credit/Debt to Your Advantage)

Do you ever feel like you are busy but not productive?

You’re doing a bunch of stuff, but it doesn’t really feel like you’re getting anything done.

It’s a weird feeling, and I’ve been there.

I’m usually just checking things off the obligation list when I’m “busy”.

When I’m productive, I focus on things that (1) are important, (2) solve a real problem, or (3) add value to my life.

Here’s the catch.

It’s usually not just one of those qualifications that makes a task productive. It’s when the task covers at least two of the three mentioned.

Here’s the challenge: Think about your purchases in that same way.

If you need to use debt to make the purchase happen, ask yourself the following 3 questions before you make the purchase:

  1. Is this important?
  2. Will this purchase solve a real problem (e.g. save you time or save you money)
  3. Will it add value to my life? (e.g. will it bring me joy, improve my net worth or make my life easier)

Then ask yourself if you are using productive debt or unproductive debt to purchase it.

Wait, What??

Unproductive debt purchases = Have no tax benefits, have high-interest rates or high fees, and usually don’t improve our net worth.

happy ladies with shopping bags

Plus, we often regret the purchases because it’s not an ideal way to spend our money.

Productive debt purchases = No to Low interest rates & fees, tax deductions, and usually support an increase in net worth.

Examples of productive debt purchases are rental properties, building or buying a business, buying a house, and continuing your education (sometimes).

With the cost of living in America, it’s hard not to use unproductive debt sometimes.

However, the less you rely on it, the better.

Debt & credit is a little like ice cream.

There are many options, but too much of it can be hazardous to your waistline.

Just like you can’t eat chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream every day (although I wish I could) and NOT work it off, you CANNOT charge everything to your credit cards and not pay it off!

When you have good credit, it can help you:

  • make more money
  • land the right job
  • take amazing vacations
  • manage your bills in a stress-free way
  • cover random but expensive emergencies

However, one of the biggest benefits is that it can help you get out of debt.

We often go into debt over our love for expensive shoes, clothes, fancy trips, not saying “no” enough to our kids or whatever your spending trigger may be.

Let’s remember that we can use credit strategically to help you build the life you want!

Discipline and self-control is like a superpower when it comes to credit but it definitely requires some practice and grace. (See Rule #6)

Affirmation #1: I am minimizing to prepare for increase.

 

 

Rule #3: Thou Shall Not Turn a Blind Eye to Managing Money (Keep an Eye on Your Money Always)

Just because you don’t THINK you are good with managing money doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a say with your finances, especially if your partner has opportunities to improve how you manage money.

Maybe your spouse or partner is really good with money, and you find yourself saying:

 

“My husband handles everything I don’t have to deal with any of that crap.”

 

“I don’t know exactly how much money we have in the bank.”

 

“If something happened to _____ (insert partner or parent name), I would be in trouble… LOL”

 

Sorry, not sorry, but this is NOT the best way to protect your financial security!!

 

Sure, it’s my opinion, and it may not be one that you share, but for those who are wondering if this is a smart way to manage their financial lives, I’m here to tell you that it very rarely is.

 

I cringe when I hear people talk about their money in such a lackadaisical way because of the three D’s – disability, death, and divorce.

 

That’s enough D’s to motivate me to get my Ass-ets in order!

 

Even if you’re single, pull the covers from over your head and look your money straight in the eye.

 

Don't Manage Your Money Blindly. Learn where you stand.

DO NOT give full control of your finances to anyone or anything – not a relative, a spouse, a financial advisor, or even the signs in the sky.

 

It is no longer the 50’s and 60s.

 

Our parents and grandparents lived differently due to the constraints and traditions of THEIR time.

 

We must adjust to OUR time.

 

Hence, the reason these are called “MODERN RULES.”

 

Unlike generations before:

  • Women can get credit in their own names today.
  • Women work outside of the home and still raise children.
  • It is much more acceptable for women to express independent thoughts and goals.

 

Your own personal preferences are one thing, but make sure you understand the reason for your preferences.

 

“My mother never did it that way,” or “that’s the way it’s always been done in my family,” is not the best reason.

 

This rule is about being FIIRM and summoning the courage to confront your money and your relationship with it.

 

I really want you to look your money straight in the eye!

 

You are in control and get to tell it what to do, but at a minimum, you get to know where it’s going and how it’s growing.

Affirmation: I am learning to face my challenges with money head-on.

 

Rule #4: Thou Shall Save the Bacon, Not the Grease (aka Make Saving Money a Priority)

You bring home the bacon (money), use it for bills and necessities, and sometimes save whatever is left.

 

So many of us have not been taught to prioritize saving money.

 

We haven’t learned the importance of paying ourselves first and seeing the benefit of compounding interest.

 

All too often, saving money is an afterthought when we really should be paying ourselves first. It needs to be an actual line item in the budget.

Trust yourself to put money away and not touch it unless you truly need to.

Save for the obvious things that will grow into bigger, more expensive problems.

 

Oil changes are necessary. . . so are doctor’s appointments.

 

Toothaches can become root canals.

 

Leaky pipes can cause mold.

 

As much as possible, take care of the small things early & often so they don’t become big things later.

 

$100 may seem like a lot of money today, but I’d rather pay today than $500 a month from now.

Affirmation: I trust myself with large sums of money

 

Rule #5: Thou Shall Rock the Cradle (Make Retirement Savings a Priority)

Speaking of now putting ourselves first…

 

We are taught to put ourselves last, especially when it comes to our children.

 

Don’t get me wrong, kids are great (I even have one 😊) and their well-being is essential, but when it comes to our children + money, sometimes WE HAVE TO put ourselves first.

 

Give yourself the proper “project runway” to retire comfortably by investing early.

 

That may mean telling them no more often than we’d like.

Or just changing the plan because money is fun.

 

You can’t get a loan to retire (although I’m sure someone is working on this idea somewhere).

 

Trust me – you can be a good mom and be good to your financial future at the same time.

 

Often, we miss out on an easy entry into retirement savings by not contributing to a 401K or 403B.

 

We feel like IRA and IRS sound too closely related and we stay far away because we don’t understand how they work.

 

Here’s how I want you to think about it.

Making the decision to invest in your retirement as early as possible may seem challenging because of all your other expenses.

Managing Your Money

 

But it is foundational to your future lifestyle.

 

Remember the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.

 

Let’s rock and roll, baby!

 

Our children follow more of what they see than what we say.

 

So, SHOW them how to retire comfortably!!

Affirmation: I don’t have to be perfect to make better decisions

 

Rule #6: Thou Shall Practice Self-Compassion Daily (Forgive Your Money Mistakes)

Lack of forgiveness can cause self-destructive behavior.

We all mess up.

No one is PERFECT.

Period.

Mistakes made today won’t be your last.

Just try not to repeat the same mistakes repeatedly because, well…you know…that insanity thing.

Remember WHY you are working towards your financial goals and allow yourself some grace.

Make your losses your lessons and remember to treat yourself when you hit your financial goals – big or SMALL!

You should reap the rewards of your good decisions.

Ideas to treat yourself include:

  • Eat a fantastic meal. I am talking about the ones that make you moan after the first bite. Bring a friend… or not. (I am the queen of dining alone)
  • Find a great Coupon/Groupon for a new adventure in your area.
  • Have a dance party in your living room. Invite your friends… or not 😊
  • Buy yourself some chocolate, flowers or a sexy new dress.
  • Stay a night in your favorite hotel for reason at all.
  • Get a massage in your own home.
  • Buy your favorite candles, wine, and have a sexy night of reflection or journaling (you thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you)

If you often feel down, discouraged, or even depressed, rewarding yourself with small treats may not be enough.

You may need a bigger treat from a life coach, therapist, counselor, or other professional who can help you sort things out.

Trust me, peace of mind is a treat unto itself.

 

I encourage you to pull your big girl panties all the way up and get jiggy with this money rule!

 

Affirmation: I don’t have to be perfect to make better decisions

 

Rule #7: Thou Shall Not Be Foolish (aka Make Rationale Money Decisions)

Now I know I just told you to treat yourself and have some self-compassion buuuuut…

Treating yourself for a job well done requires some level of discernment.

The treat likely shouldn’t involve your entire paycheck!

I don’t think you really need me to explain this much more, but some examples would include:

  • co-signing for the unemployed
  • lending money you can’t afford to lose
  • purchasing a car without understanding the terms
  • investing your life savings in the stock market
  • buying a car based on a new job, you MIGHT get
  • ignoring letters from creditors
  • ignoring letters from the IRS
  • spending your entire paycheck every single payday
  • participating in fraudulent activity with a loved one
  • allowing someone else to control your accounts and spending
  • spending your rent money on concert tickets (even if it is Yoncé or Adele, sorry Beehive)

You get my point. 😊

Manage Money

Foolish behavior means you are hedging your bet when the odds are stacked against you.

If you’re looking for a way to avoid reaching your financial goals, any of the above will do.

However, for those who are looking for the winner-winner-chicken-dinner rule to live by, this should be towards the top of your list.

Affirmation: I am focused financially on my future

If you are ready to TAKE ACTION and work on your finances take the first step and click here and grab your copy of the Ultimate Financial Resource Guide!

 

Rule #8: Thou Shall Not Put All Your Eggs in 1 Basket (Enough Said)

This money rule goes well with #3 -Thou Shall Not Turn a Blind Eye to Money.

This applies to people, bank accounts, investments, and income streams.

This rule is not about your spouse’s, partner’s, soon-to-be-ex, or parent’s ability to provide for you.

I’m sure “they is nice, they is kind and they is smart” (hoping you’ve seen the movie “The Help”)

This rule is about recognizing that one day, they may not be able to or choose not to provide the way they always have.

Plus, the concept of job security is just that. It is more conceptual than a reality for most of us.

It is becoming even rarer to find someone who has worked at the same company for their entire career.

Half the battle of reaching your financial dreams is being aware of the areas you are exposed to risk.

That possibility could be by choice or by force; either way, you need to be prepared for it.

Mini Lesson: Seek multiple streams of income

Furthermore, having an account compromised and fraudulent charges hitting your primary bank account is no fun.

Generally, banks are quick to respond and resolve the issue but there are times when the resolution is delayed.

When this happens, your life may come to a standstill or become disrupted because you don’t have access to your money.

Lesson: Don’t leave all your money in a single bank account.

These examples are modern reasons to diversify.

Financial stability & independence embrace diversity.

Think about the areas of your life where you need to minimize the risk if you lose your job, get divorced, or experience something crazy like a pandemic.

Affirmation: I deeply appreciate my blessings, and I value the lessons money teaches me.

Rule #9: Thou Shall Create, Not Wait to Make More Money 

Rule #8 leads us to Rule #9.

Whether it’s asking for a raise, applying for a new job, starting a new business, or seeking out some extra pocket money, you have to be proactive.

 

Please don’t doubt your self-worth. We all struggle with it at some point and it can continuously resurface and stop us from pursuing our financial goals.

 

It’s ok to ask for raise. The worse that can happen is that they say “No”.

 

It is not a bad thing to want to make more money.

If you’ve been saying for years that you need to do something to get more money, this commandment gives you permission to act TODAY!

 

So, let’s get to work!

 

*Cue Rihanna*

 Affirmation: I deserve to attract and retain money

 

Rule #10: Thou Shall Let Auto Take Control ( aka Learn to Manage Your Money with Less Stress)

Auto-mate, Auto-pay, and Auto-debit should be your money partners in crime.

 

Automating your bills is one of the most empowering things you can do. You are telling the universe that you are in control of your money.

 

You are telling the universe that you choose not to stress about paying your bills on time.

 

While automating requires a bit of strategy it doesn’t have to be super complicated.

 

What’s even better about ‘Auto’ is that you can dump him anytime you want if you find that it’s just not a good fit for you!

 

Plus, ‘Auto’ is the ex who will never show up in the middle of the night begging you to take him back. 😊

 

You are in complete control, even when things are on autopilot.

 

Automating your savings (See Rule #4) is another set-it-and-forget strategy that you can always turn off when you need to.

Affirmation: It is safe for me to be responsible and prepare for future increases.

 

Rule #11: Thou Shall Have a Money Bench

One of the biggest fallacies is that you must be wealthy to have a money team, and that’s just not true.

 

It’s so important that we receive financial advice with the unique needs of women in mind.

 

Having a trusted team of professionals that can help you through major transitions is helpful for anyone who earns income, owns assets, has debt, plans to marry, plans to divorce, or plans to retire.

 

In addition to attorneys, insurance agents, and tax professionals, there are many modern resources and financial professionals who can provide valuable insights to help you save money, protect your assets, and make important financial decisions.

Automate your bills to control your money better

 

Check out our ULTIMATE FINANCIAL RESOURCE GUIDE TODAY to learn more about those resources and financial professionals.

 

Think about building your money bench as an investment in your financial future versus an ancillary expense.

 

Affirmation: I value information and expertise to help me reach my financial goals.

 

Take FIIRM Hero Action to Manage Your Money

 

Over the years, I’ve gained a greater appreciation for affirmations.

 

After all, words have power, and that’s why this blog post includes affirmations after each money rule.

 

When you feel like your resilience is being challenged in the abovementioned areas, take some major deep breaths and repeat the relevant affirmation at least 3-5x aloud.

 

As an alternative, when you feel your willpower is being tested, refer to the rules and write the affirmations down!

 

Guess what goes great with affirmations!

 

In addition to the affirmations, use the rules to create a plan for managing your money.

 

If you know a friend or relative who could use some help with their money, send them the link to this blog post.

 

Be patient, and you’ll be sure to see progress!

Looking for SUPPORT…

You need something to help you stay inspired and on track! Don’t forget to grab your copy of our ULTIMATE FINANCIAL RESOURCE GUIDE TODAY.

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director of The FIIRM Approach

 

Nikki is a Blogger, Speaker, and primary financial strategist of The FIIRM Approach. As a mom, 20+year financial services professional, and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ® she is committed to helping female breadwinners strategically prepare their finances for divorce and confidently maintain their financial security pre and post divorce. Nikki uses action-based education in her Bring Home the Bacon workshops and strategy sessions as well as her on-demand digital resource – Silent Preparation Series - so you can prepare your finances for life's major transitions.

TAKE ACTION TODAY & LEARN about the simple things that can help make your pre & post divorce life easier  - Grab Your Complimentary Divorce Support Pack today

 

 

5 Financial Questions You Can’t Afford Not to Ask Your Partner

5 Financial Questions You Can’t Afford Not to Ask Your Partner

Apr 29, 2025

financial questions to ask your partner

5 Financial Questions You Can’t Afford Not to Ask Your Partner

 

 

I f you’re single and ready to mingle, you know that dating in the 2020’s is very different from dating in the 90’s & early 2000’s.

While the dating scene has changed, some things haven’t changed.

If I were in a new relationship, there are 5 specific money questions I would ask my partner if I had intentions of pursuing a long-term relationship. I would definitely want to discuss money before marriage, and the information in this blog can help guide that chat for you, too.

If you’ve been in a long-term relationship or marriage, you know how difficult it can be to manage money with a partner.

After being married for 13 years, as a single mother and primary breadwinner, today, having a stable financial life is pretty important to me, as I would like to retire comfortably.

It’s also important to working women, I speak with over 30.

Obviously, there’s no shortage of questions to ask a partner about money. However, there are a few financial questions that help provide foundational information that can ensure a stronger relationship.

If you’re already in a relationship and you’re afraid to discuss specific topics because money conversations are uncomfortable,e then maybe understanding the benefits will push you to do the hard thing.

 

 4-5 min read: Looking for the audio summary of this blog post – sign up for the FIIRM Hero Newsletter Community to HEAR what this post is all about when you don’t have time to read it.

 

What’s The Benefit of Asking Your Partner Financial Questions?

How many of your past breakups should have happened long before they actually did?

Most of us are guilty of staying in a relationship too long.

It may have been because you’re trying to figure out how to make the relationship work or because uncovering important information took too long.

Now, think about the role money has played in your past relationships.

What about the money fights in the relationships of your parents, family, or friends?

I don’t know about you, but a few ugly situations come to mind.

Understanding your partner’s money story is important if you want to avoid nasty conflicts about money in your relationship.

The benefit of having hard money conversations is that it can help you recognize emotional triggers.

How helpful would knowing what topics make you and your partner anxious or defensive?

Understanding your partner’s money story is beneficial when you have conflicting opinions and are seeking a happy compromise.

Everyone has a money story.

It accounts for the experiences, emotions, upbringing, and motives that shape how you think, feel, and handle money.

You might discover something surprising about your partner.

Perhaps there’s a deep-seated fear of debt or an ambition to achieve financial freedom early because of a childhood experience.

financial questions for couples

 

Your money story has a direct impact on:

  1. Life Values: What’s important to you? For example, tithing, family time, new experiences, or education.
  2. Financial philosophy: Your approach to making financial decisions. For example, your risk tolerance, your investment strategy, and your approach to debt vs savings.
  3. Financial Habits: The way you manage key areas of your financial life—for example, the way you choose to budget or spend money routinely.

There is an old TV Show called I Love Lucy.

In the show, Lucy & Ricky Ricardo are a married couple who cannot be more different. One spouse, Ricky, was always trying to stay on top of things, ultimately trusting Lucy, the wife, to handle the bills.

Lucy was often behind on important bills like rent and utilities, and tried to hide it from her husband. Naturally, they got into a lot of fights about it.

While the show didn’t spend a lot of time discussing their money stories, I’m sure we would have learned how different their stories were if they had.

I’m also pretty sure that if they had spent some time asking each other the five critical money questions before marriage, both would have had a better understanding of each other and less fights about money.

You might already know you’re romantically compatible, but are unsure if you’re financially compatible.

If that’s the case, there are good finance questions for couples to ask each other—things deeper than credit scores, income, and budgeting.

I’m sure you don’t want money to hinder your romantic relationship; you both just have to feel safe discussing the topics.

 Wealthy Couples

How to Prepare to Ask Your Partner Financial Questions?

I loved it when we had debates in class in high school.

The key to winning a debate was understanding the points your opposition would make and being prepared to rebut them.

Hopefully, your relationship isn’t as adversarial as a high school debate, but something can be learned from it.

If you’re uncomfortable talking about money, some extra preparation will help you determine what financial questions to ask your partner.

 

One of the first things you should do is use the questions below to prepare.

To have a productive conversation that feels safe, you can try the following steps:

Step 1. Ask yourself the questions first to understand your position on these topics. It’s only fair that your partner expects you to provide the same information you’re asking for.

Step 2. As you think about or write down your own responses, ask yourself “Why” to dig deeper into your response. If needed, ask yourself “why” up to 4 more times to get to the root of your feelings on a particular topic.

After Step #1 &#2, you might be ready for a conversation with your partner.

The hard part of money conversations with a partner is balancing emotion with logic.

The goal is not to prove who’s right or wrong. The goal is to listen and remain open. While you’ll want to incorporate Step #2, first, you want to make your partner feel safe.

Step 3: Ask for their buy-in to discuss the topic(s). If not now, when? If they’re unsure gain permission to check back in.

financial questions to ask your parter

 

 

Tip: Practice Active Listening – Show that you value your partner’s perspective by listening without interrupting.

Tip: Empathize and Validate – Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and let them know you understand.

As the conversation continues, if things get too tense, take break and finish at a later date (days though, not years). 

Skipping these steps or ignoring these tips could lead to misunderstandings or, worse, more conflicts.

 

What are the critical financial questions to ask your partner?

Reviewing the list below, you can see that technically it’s more than 5 questions. That’s because I’ve provided follow-up or clarifying questions depending on the direction of the conversation, just in case you need them.

  1. What’s a financial habit of your partner (or a past partner) that either impressed or concerned you? What are some “red flags” you’ve noticed early on related to someone’s financial behavior? How would you feel if your partner had significant debt they hadn’t disclosed early on?
  2. What’s the biggest money lesson you’ve learned in a relationship? How should couples decide on big financial decisions like buying a house or making significant investments? What are some of your hard line, “I ain’t playing with you” financial boundaries? What’s your personal “pack your bags” financial boundary in a relationship?

  3. What lessons did your parents teach you about money?

  4. How did your upbringing shape your views on money and relationships?

  5. How would you approach the topic of prenuptial agreements with your partner? What does “financial security” mean to you in a partnership? How do you feel about taking risks?

 

Take FIIRM Hero Action

Now that you know what financial questions to ask before marriage or maybe even before moving in together, you can take FIIRM Hero action.

If you’re seeing pink or red flags in your relationship these conversations can help you figure out the source.

It can also help you figure out how your partner’s answers will impact your future together. 

Your goals might include buying a home, traveling the world, or starting a family.

The right questions and financial conversations are essential to setting goals and checking if your priorities match.

Of course, achieving goals is a team effort and it’s possible with some grace and understanding.

 

You May Also Be Interested In:

Disclaimer: The information provided is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute professional legal or financial advice for your personal situation.

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is an experienced financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security post-divorce. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit and be connected to the right resources for the next phase of life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your pre and post-divorce easier. Grab your FREE Divorce Support Pack.

The Secret Formula Wealthy Couples Use to Avoid Money Fights

The Secret Formula Wealthy Couples Use to Avoid Money Fights

Apr 21, 2025

The Secret Formula Wealthy Couples Use to Avoid Money Fights

The Secret Formula Wealthy Couples Use to Avoid Money Fights

 

 

W hat if you could shadow a wealthy individual or wealthy couple to see just how they do things?

Obviously, they have more money than we do, but what sets them apart from most of the world?

However, what coveted habits help them maintain their wealth and keep their money fights to a minimum?

What if you copied their habits to try a different way of talking about money with your partner?

Let’s dive into the secret habits of wealthy couples to reduce money fights.

 

 4-5 min read: Looking for the audio summary of this blog post – sign up for the FIIRM Hero Newsletter Community to HEAR what this post is all about when you don’t have time to read it.

 

How do wealthy couples do things differently from the middle class?

My first real introduction to wealthy people was when I worked at a private family office in my early 20s. I observed very interesting things.

Most of which I’d never experienced since my family was most would consider as working class.

We always had food on the table and a roof over our heads, and I never felt like I had to go without much.

But surplus was not really a thing.

One lesson I will never forget from working at the private family office is how wealthy families treat marriage.

Navigating money and marriage can be very tricky, and sometimes it’s more than tricky; it’s outright frustrating.

But it is more frustrating for us than for them.

It’s not just because of the commas in their bank account, although that sure doesn’t hurt.

It’s because wealthy people don’t forget the business side of marriage.

The Secret Formula Wealthy Couples Use to Avoid Money Fights

 

The Practical Power of Partnership

If two heads are better than one, then this is true regarding romantic relationships.

When wealthy couples consider the business side of their marriage, it’s about more than creating a shared vision.

They are generally aligned on a unified game plan to accelerate their wealth-building potential, tackle financial challenges together, and avoid money conflicts.

This strategy can reset your marriage or enter your next relationship.

We often get caught up in the relational side.

The relational side includes the romance-smack it up, flip it, and rub it down activities.

The business/transactional side is about money and money-related items.

Marriage has two sides–the transactional and the relational sides.

There are exceptions to everything, but generally, wealthy couples are not afraid to discuss money and prenups.

Deep financial conversations – not just asking about a credit score – can help build a strong foundation for your marriage, and a strong foundation will have fewer cracks (fewer fights).

Understanding and agreeing to financial boundaries, assigning roles and responsibilities, and talking about your strategy as a couple—all of these things can—although difficult—be helpful.

Wealthy Couples

 

How to Strategically Plan Your Money as a Couple

Let’s level set first.

Disagreements about money are normal, but they can be problematic when they’re constant or when you feel like you can’t make forward progress. 

Because of my personal and professional experiences, I know how challenging it can be to be on the exact same page about money.

One partner wants to pay down debt, and the other always finds something they’ve got to have.

You’re trying to save money, but it seems to burn a hole in your partner’s pocket every time you all get some extra. 

While I don’t think wealthy people need to be put on a pedestal just because they have more money than most of us, we can learn from their mentality about wealth and some of their habits as couples.

Do you have to be wealthy to do what they do?

Absolutely, not!

Wealthy couples understand that growth doesn’t come without some level of risk. However, they don’t often gamble recklessly. They cultivate a nuanced relationship with risk-taking, balancing ambition with due diligence. Their approach to risk is strategic and calculated.

This means they diversify and ensure their eggs aren’t in just one basket. Unlike middle-class comfort zones, these couples see risk as a gateway to opportunities rather than pitfalls to avoid.

Wealthy Couples

What are the secret elements wealthy couples use?

3 critical elements separate wealthy couples from the average couple.

Strategy, Expertise, and Trust

If you and your spouse don’t actively engage in all three of these things, I would argue that you haven’t tried everything to approach your money truly as partners.

Strategy—Plans are set for their money as a unit. They review the plans and pivot, when necessary, but the goal is to make their money grow and work as hard as possible based on the plan. This includes not being things “they can’t afford” and not being afraid to take risks.

Strategic Money Management

Pay your first!

While middle-class couples manage money based on what’s left after expenses, wealthy couples flip the script. They prioritize saving and investing. This proactive approach ensures their cash always works for them, not vice versa.

Rich couples often have a firm grip on budgeting, but it’s a living document, not a restrictive punishment.

They adapt, strategize, and aren’t afraid to pivot when necessary.

Despite their wealth, affluent couples usually don’t have grandiose lifestyles. Ignore what you see on social media and entertainment news.

Think about it.

There are over 20 million millionaires in the United States alone.

That means most millionaires have to be everyday people, not celebrities.

Now, not all millionaires are considered wealthy.

But the point is that many of us can’t even “spot” a millionaire because they usually live below their means. Not to be confused with our means, though 😊

The wealthy mentality includes prioritizing long-term stability over splurges.

The focus is about finding the highest value opportunity for their money? It’s simple yet profound and a shift worth considering.

Wealthy Couple Habits

 

Investing in Expertise

Expertise – Investing in their own knowledge, leaning into their respective individual strengths, and relying on the expertise of others.

For wealthy couples, education doesn’t end at graduation. Seminars, workshops, podcasts, books—nothing is off-limits if it means gaining insight or an edge.

It’s not just about learning in isolation; they often do it together, discussing takeaways and planning actionable steps. This approach deepens their knowledge and strengthens their relationship, allowing them to grow together.

And let’s not forget their willingness to help from advisors, too.

I was the spreadsheet nerd in my marriage, so I handled the budget, but decisions were typically shared unless someone delegated.

When we were unsure what to do, we engaged others without shame. 

Sometimes, the best lesson is knowing when to ask for expert help.

I learned this from my experience at the private family office. Wealthy people view learning, gaining knowledge, and knowledge sharing as investments, ultimately using them to help them execute their strategy.

 

 

Trust is the kryptonite for money fights

Trust is so layered, but I think about it this way:

Do you trust people you don’t really know?

Do you trust people you don’t understand?

Usually not. The deeper level of understanding you have for your partner will naturally build trust.

The reality is that growth in almost any area involves calculated risk. 

A high level of transparency is necessary for wealthy couples to build and maintain enough trust to take risks together.

Transparency builds trust.

When you have trust, you’re willing to take more risks.

When you take risks, you often see rewards for that risk, and the cycle repeats.

I’m not saying wealthy people are perfect, but whether it’s a celebrity or the millionaire next door, successful couples who are strategic, embrace expertise and communicate with a strong foundation of trust not only feel empowered in their relationships but also feel empowered in their relationships.

 

Wealthy Couples

Ready to Take FIIRM Hero Action

You now have the formula used by wealthy couples to avoid money fights.

Take this formula and the information shared, and see what happens if you apply it to your life. Start by asking yourself these five questions.

  1. When did you last sit down with your partner to discuss dreams, not just transactions?
  2. Have you evaluated where a calculated risk might lead you to prosperity?
  3. Is there respect for the unique perspectives and skills each partner brings?
  4. Do you feel like you have enough trust in your relationship?
  5. Is there a deep level of vulnerability and transparency that you can use to work through your financial fears and build a strategy to help you win as a team?

Just think about how much more you could achieve with your partner’s full engagement in your financial world.

It’s not just about having money but mastering the art of building it.

 

You May Also Be Interested In:

Disclaimer: The information provided is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute professional legal or financial advice for your personal situation.

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director

 

Nikki is an experienced financial services professional, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ®, and the primary divorce financial strategist for The FIIRM Approach. She helps female breadwinners prepare for divorce to avoid common financial mistakes and confidently maintain their financial security post-divorce. She uses proven strategies within the FIIRM Approach methodology so her clients can manage their money, debt, and credit and be connected to the right resources for the next phase of life. TAKE ACTION & LEARN about the tools that can help make your pre and post-divorce easier. Grab your FREE Divorce Support Pack.

Money & Relationships: Screw Love. Are you financially compatible?

Money & Relationships: Screw Love. Are you financially compatible?

Apr 7, 2025

Money & Relationships: Screw Love. Are you financially compatible?

 
Originally Published: July 15, 2018
Updated: April 7, 2025

 

If you’re considering marriage or living together, it goes without saying that you love each other.

 

Well… unless it’s an indecent proposal or some other arrangement.

 

“No judgment from me – Do you!” 😉

However, it should also go without saying that money and relationships are deeply intertwined.

 

What worked for your grandparents in the ’60s and ’70s will not work well today.

Because of those facts, this post will help you understand how to talk to your partner about money and find common ground.

It will help you identify financial red flags in your relationship and learn what questions to ask to make better financial decisions. 😀

Maybe you’re a spender. He’s a saver.

Or he’s screaming YOLO. You’re asking what it means.

As a lover of romance and any solid Rom-Com, I don’t discount the importance of love in relationships and marriage. 

Hot, steamy, “can’t-nobody-tell-me-nothing” love can be fun, exhilarating, and just downright sexy.

But let’s be honest, break-ups over money… not so much.

In relationships, ignorance is not bliss. Sometimes, it can cost you when you don’t learn certain things about your partner.

 

woman managing money and relationships

 

How to talk about money with your partner?

 

It’s a good idea to use the topics throughout this post as a brainstorming tool to help you recognize if you are aware of your own positions.

Second, you and your partner will have to talk to determine whether you are well-aligned regarding how you handle money in your relationship.

Communicating your financial boundaries should feel safe; just be sure to tell your partner where you are willing to compromise.

When it comes to money and relationships, you won’t see eye-to-eye on everything, but that’s okay.

Another real talk moment – You may already be seeing yellow / red flags ❗, which is not uncommon in relationships.

Where you see red flags, balance getting answers and helping your partner feel safe.

 

#1 Try asking your partner when they want to talk. If not now, when?

 

#2 – When you don’t understand a response, ask “why” and keep asking “why” to drill deeper (but not more than 4 or 5 times)

 

#3—If the conversation gets too tense, take a break and finish later (days, though, not years).  

 

Sad Couple Parting Ways

Why are you doing all this?

 

So you know more about the red flags and how much they will impact your future. 

Are these things you’re concerned about actually deal killers that you’d rather ignore?

Or, are you afraid to discuss specific topics because the hard truth may be that you are not financially compatible?

 

Here’s a question: How many of your past breakups should have happened sooner than they actually did?

You’re confident in your love for your partner. Let’s be equally confident that you can navigate money and relationship topics before you make a real commitment.

 

Bonus Tip: Make note of the areas where you are unsure of your position.  Consider that before you start a conversation. Otherwise,  be upfront with your partner and say you’re still figuring out how you feel about the topic.

 

Understanding Financial Habits and Personalities in a Relationship

Sometimes, your plans, expectations, and behaviors regarding money differ from your partner’s.

Hence, the shouting matches over finances.

There are ways to stop fighting over money if you are already married or damn-near-married.

Occasionally, those fights happen because your approach and habits are SO different from your partners, and no one told you:

(1) How to talk about finances with your partner and understand their money story

(2) When to discuss finances in a relationship (because timing is essential)

(3) You don’t have to follow traditional advice

image of a woman feeling distressed

 

When I was married, my spouse and I had different financial philosophies, but no significant issues because we talked pretty openly about money. 

Because our philosophies were so different, we decided to manage our money using the hybrid model early on. 

This basically meant we had some separate accounts and some joint accounts but this was very different from how his parents had things set up.

 

Check out our YOUTUBE video on this for a breakdown of how to discuss and set up bank accounts with your partner.

 

When you and your partner have financial differences, ignoring them will not improve things. 

But discussions about the “money elephants in the room” can make a huge difference. 

Maybe you already know the answers to some basic but essential questions like:

 

  • Is your bae/boo/ future spouse a spender or saver?
  • Can you trust your significant other to handle all YOUR money, if needed?
  • Are they controlling when it comes to money?

 

Do you have answers to deeper questions about your partner and how they view money and relationships?

 

What questions can you ask your partner to understand how they view money and relationships?

 

The questions below are designed to prompt you to have deeper conversations.

Hopefully they’ll help you understand each other’s money personality and money story.

If you can get answers to these questions, it’s information worthy of remembering.

 

Discussing Finances With Your Partner

 

Don’t lock this information away and throw away the key –  it may save you and your partner from future money fights!

Here are the questions to ask your partner (remember you need to consider your own answers too):

  • Are there financial habits of past partners that either impressed or concerned you?
  • Do you think being financially compatible is as essential as being romantically compatible? Why or why not? Is money an enhancement or a hindrance to a relationship?
  • What’s the biggest money lesson you’ve learned in a relationship?
  • How did your upbringing shape your views on money and relationships?
  • What does “financial security” mean to you in a partnership?
  • Do you tend to avoid serious money talk or lean into it?  
  • What are some “red flags” you’ve noticed early on regarding my financial handling?

So, what’s next?

Review the remaining categories and determine what questions you need more answers to from your partner. PLEASE don’t ask them all at once 😊

I know, I know…these types of money conversations can be emotional and uncomfortable.

Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable discussing money in your relationship is to your benefit.

 

Should You Have Separate or Joint Bank Accounts

 

There are different ways to set up your bank accounts, but the primary options are typically:

  • Joint everything
  • Separate everything
  • Hybrid approach #1 – 1 primary joint checking account where both paychecks are direct deposited, a little goes in a joint savings account and a little into separate accounts.
  • Hybrid approach #2 – 1 primary joint checking or savings account where a set amount is transferred from each of your separate accounts.

Ask your partner which option they prefer and what their experiences are with the options listed above.

The decision to have joint or separate accounts is a personal one.

However, as mentioned, I prefer the hybrid approach. It provides elements of financial security and financial transparency necessary in the modern world. 

 

How Much Should We Have in an Emergency Fund?

The traditional guidance for emergency funds is three to six months. Unfortunately, it is rarely this black and white

Emergency funds are intended to cover unexpected expenses, major expenses, and loss of income. As much as we’d like these things not to happen, they will inevitably occur.

Several factors, including your fixed expenses versus discretionary expenses, the level of discretionary income, income sources, and job security, will determine the amount of money in your emergency fund.

How to Discuss Finances with your partner

 

Here are a few questions to cover to help determine how much you should save in your emergency fund as a couple:

 

  • When was the last time you & your partner were unemployed, and for how long?
  • When was your partner’s last promotion?
    • If your partner has been in the same role for several years, there are some things to consider:
      • (1) If they have maintained certifications or continuing education credits to keep their skills up-to-date.
      • (2) If they are at the top of their pay scale
      • (3) The marketability of their skillset outside of their current employer (4) If below-average performance is an issue in their current role (thus threatening their job stability)
    • How easy is it for others to get a job in their field? If the economy is bad, finding a new job may take longer than normal.
    • How many sources of income do they have? Income isn’t just about the numbers on your paycheck. It’s about stability, predictability, and potential growth
    • How much access to credit or other income sources do they have?

 

If you’re interested in learning more saving and budgeting, join the FIIRM Hero Newsletter and Private Podcast community.

How to balance careers in a relationship?

 

When you have similar incomes, it can be a little easier to manage finances. However, just because one person is the higher earner now doesn’t mean that will always be the case.

    • Do they have plans to continue their education to grow in their career?
    • What are their career aspirations?
    • Are they at the current role’s bottom, mid-point or top of the pay scale?
    • Is there an expectation that one of you will stop working?
    • How long do they plan to be in their current position or with their current company?
      • Are they at risk of elimination or lay off?
      • Have they peaked in their career level?
      • Do they expect this to be their last role before retirement?
      • Is there minimal career progression with their current employer or role?

 

How to discuss debt as a couple?


Debt is not necessarily a bad thing. It depends on what kind of debt you have, but hopefully, it’s not a deal killer if they have a debt. As a financial professional, I know debt discussions are uncomfortable, but can also be freeing.

You can figure out how to tackle debt by asking the following questions:

    • How much total debt do they have?
    • What is your partner’s Credit Score?
    • Have they ever been sued, and what was the outcome?
    • Have they ever had a foreclosure or short sale and the circumstances around it?
    • Do they have collections or past-due student loans?
    • How does your partner feel about debt? (“striving to be debt free” versus “everyone dies with debt”)
    • Are they joint signers or co-borrowers for someone else’s debt? Do they have shared debt with others?
    • Do other people have access to their credit lines?
    • How many credit cards do they have? Do they have available credit on the cards?

 

How should you file taxes as a couple?

I don’t believe in playing with the I, the R, or the S. Maybe you or your partner do. That’s cool – discuss the best tax strategy as a couple.  

  • When was their most recent year of tax filing?
  • Would they prefer to file Joint or Separate returns after you get married? Filing jointly can be a blessing or a curse—understanding your partner’s tax situation helps.
  • Do they typically owe or receive refunds?
  • Do they understand how child support or back taxes can impact tax filings as a married couple?
    • If so, how much in do they owe in back taxes?
    • Would they be offended if you filed for injured spouse relief? (Injured spouse relief may allow you to obtain a tax refund (or a portion of the refund) when your partner’s tax liabilities would otherwise offset the refund)

 Family Support

    • Is your partner supportive or opposed to parents or other family members moving in?
    • Is your partner supportive or opposed to financially supporting parents or other family members?
    • How much is a reasonable amount of family support?
    • Do any family members currently owe you money? How much?

 

Children/Child Support

    • How much is child support being paid per month?
    • Is your partner current or in arrears with child support?
    • Are child support payments court-ordered or an informal arrangement?
    • When was the last time your child support amount was reviewed?
    • Will your custody and/or support agreement be affected if we move in together?
    • Are they willing to opt out of receiving child support after you marry? (not recommending this, btw, but you/they might want to know)

 

Financial Support for Adult Children

    • At what age is it too old for an adult child to live at home?
    • How much is financial support reasonable to provide to an adult child?
    • Should adult children pay bills while living at home?
    • What is a reasonable amount of money for an adult child to contribute?

 

Allowance

    • What’s a good age to provide allowance?
    • What items should a child be made to pay for with their own money, if any?
    • How much is a reasonable amount of allowance to provide to a pre-teen versus a teenager?

 

Children’s Education

    • Do they have a college fund or savings established for your kids (or plans to establish one in the future)
    • How does your partner feel about paying tuition for elementary or secondary school?
    • How does your partner feel about paying for college?
    • Do they want their kids to take out student loans?
    • Have they already co-signed for student loans?
    • Would your partner prefer they stay on campus or live at home during college?
    • Would they rather the child go to an in-state or out-of-state college?
    • Are they aware of the difference in cost (In-state versus out-of-state)?
    • Are they open to taking out parent loans for their college tuition?
    • Do they expect you to help fund the tuition of children born before your relationship?

 

 

What is the vision for retirement?

Retirement might sound like a distant dream, but it will be here before we know it. God willing.
Discussions about retirement plans can help you plan your golden years as a couple to ensure you both hit your goals.

Retiring couples

 

Don’t lock this information away and throw away the key –  it may save you and your partner from future money fights!

  • What do they think about Social Security?
  • How dependent are they, or do they plan to be on Social Security income?
  • Do they make regular contributions to an employer retirement plan?
  • Do they make contributions to other retirement accounts?
  • Have they taken early withdrawals from 401k, IRA, or other plans?
  • Do they have any loans against their 401K?
  • Do they own any stock of their employer (direct equity or Employee Share Purchase Plan)?
  • How many sources of income do they think they will have in retirement?
  • When was the last time they reviewed their retirement account statements?
  • Have they ever had a retirement funding analysis?
  • Do you plan to travel post-retirement?

How does your partner plan their investments?

 

Whether stocks or real estate are calling their name, it may be helpful to discuss strategy because it can significantly impact one’s financial situation.

  • Are they interested in investing in the stock market?
  • Have they ever lost money in the stock market or another major investment?
  • How would they describe their risk tolerance? (risk averse, risk taker, or somewhere in between)
  • Do they have an interest or experience in real estate investing?
  • Have they ever invested in the business?
  • Do they prefer to manage their own investments or have someone do it for them?
  • Who do they get their investment advice from? (e.g. financial advisor)

 

 

What if your partner filed for bankruptcy?

Sh*t happens. Bankruptcy is not a death sentence. Handle the conversation with sympathy to understand your partner’s perspective and past financial challenges.

Here are a few questions to cover to help determine how much you should save in your emergency fund as a couple:

  • What are their general sentiments around bankruptcy?
  • Have they ever filed? How many times? How long before it’s cleared?
  • What kind of bankruptcy did they file in the past? (Chapter 7 or 13)
  • Do they think they have to file for bankruptcy again?

 

How should you plan travel & family vacations

  • Does your partner enjoy traveling?
  • Do they prefer 1 or 2 big trips or a handful of small trips annually?
  • What should the financial split be (50/50, alternating, depends on who picks, etc)
  • Do they prefer to travel in small groups or larger groups?
  • What’s the most amount of money they have ever spent on a trip?

 

How can assets be protected before marriage or when living together?

Securing each other’s futures isn’t a buzzkill; it shows a commitment stronger than words and a goal to prepare for ‘what-ifs.

Pre-Marital Agreements

 

Premerital agreement

  • Do they believe in prenuptial agreements, postnups, or cohabitation agreements? Are they willing to sign one?
  • Do they have or support paying for the following insurance:
  • Life Insurance
  • Health Insurance
  • Auto Insurance
  • Property Insurance
  • Renters Insurance
  • Disability Insurance
  • Long-term care insurance
  • Critical Illness Insurance
  • Umbrella Insurance

If you’re interested in learning more about protecting financial assets, join the FIIRM Hero Newsletter and Private Podcast community.

What if you plan to live together before marriage?

 

Imagine your partner wants to live in a downtown loft, while you’ve pictured a home in the suburbs. Aligning home expectations prevents future squabbles. Define who manages what, from paying bills to doing dishes. A shared vision for your living environment transforms potential headaches into harmony.

      • How do you and your partner feel about living together before marriage?
      • What’s their view on blended families?
      • Is your partner willing to move into your place, or are there expectations to get a “new place” together? Is there an expectation to put his/your name on the deed?
      • Do they believe in traditional domestic gender roles, or are they open to anything?
      • Who should manage shared expenses or household bills? (Who pays what?)
      • How will housework be divided?
      • How will personal expenses be handled?
      • Are they open to hiring help? (lawn service, housekeeper or cleaner, handyman, etc)
      • Who should pay for the furniture and moving expenses?

 

Renting versus Owning

 

    • How does your partner feel about owning property?
    • How many properties has your partner owned in the past?
    • How many properties does your partner currently own?
    • Is your partner comfortable with only one name in the mortgage? What about the lease?
    • Has your partner had past evictions?
    • Would they prefer a longer or shorter mortgage (15 years versus 20 or 30 years)?
    • Have they ever had a foreclosure or short sale and the circumstances around it (yes, it’s a repeat from above because it’s important)

 

Whew! That was a lot!

Hopefully, you read a few of those questions and thought “Do I?”,
“Will I?” or “Damn, that’s a good question.”

If so, this post has served you well! Don’t stop here – keep going!

 

FIIRM Hero Action Steps

 

Think about the role money has played in your past relationships or even the relationships of people you know. We both know some ugly stories about people and their money fights – if you’re not interested in those, here are some next steps.

  • Make a list of the topics you would like to cover with your partner. Please share this post with your partner so they can do the same. You can also check out the Money & Relationship YouTube series on our channel.
  • Commit to a time and date to discuss some of the topics above (and more, if needed).
  • Take your time with the topics; it can be overwhelming for you and your partner to tackle in one sitting.  Tackle topics bit by bit.
  • Think about using a safe word when conversations get too heated.
  • If you are already married and have been fighting over money, check out this post for a few tips to reduce them.

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director of The FIIRM Approach

 

Nikki is a Blogger, Speaker, and primary financial strategist of The FIIRM Approach. As a mom, 20+year financial services professional, and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ® she is committed to helping female breadwinners strategically prepare their finances for divorce and confidently maintain their financial security pre and post divorce. Nikki uses action-based education in her Bring Home the Bacon workshops and strategy sessions as well as her on-demand digital resource – Silent Preparation Series - so you can prepare your finances for life's major transitions.

TAKE ACTION TODAY & LEARN about the simple things that can help make your pre & post divorce life easier  - Grab Your Complimentary Divorce Support Pack today

 

 

How to Make Money Conversations Less Awkward

How to Make Money Conversations Less Awkward

Sep 19, 2017

How to Make Money Conversations Less Awkward

Stop whatcha doin’, cuz I’m about to ruin…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(If you know the song, I bet you couldn’t help finishing that line)   

I actually only want to ruin your belief that money conversations are awkward or hard.

That’s it. Simple, right?

I know that discussions about money can be uncomfortable and as humans we naturally fight any discomfort.

Just think about the last time you were in an elevator.

When you entered, maybe there was one person already there. You walked to the opposite wall of the elevator.

Maybe you exchange verbal pleasantries, maybe not.

 

For the next 10-20 seconds, you plan to ride in silence, avoid making eye contact and stare at the elevator buttons as if they’re the most fascinating you’ve ever seen.

 

Then you realize there’s a foul odor (I mean F-O-U-L) and you’re trying to figure out if it’s really possible for a smell like that to be coming from this unknown human nearby.

 

Ding! Time to get off (Thank God)!

 

Maybe you say goodbye as you hurry off at your floor ( likely not because you were holding your breath until the coast is clear!)

Those few seconds of awkwardness don’t stop you from riding elevators because they are a necessity for you to get things done efficiently.

Guess what! So are your money conversations (wink, wink)

While it might not be worth your time to address the awkwardness in elevators, it’s a worthwhile effort to make your money conversations less awkward with your family and friends.

Money conversations can cover numerous topics and therefore spur a ton of emotions.

If you want your family to be open with you about their financial goals and concerns then you first, have to be open with them.

 

Give a little, get a little…

While my previous blog post focused on marriage and how to keep money fights to a minimum, this post shows you ways to jumpstart the conversation with your family and friends about your intentions around your financial goals.

If you want to help make your money conversations less awkward, then it’s important to start with transparency.

 

Use transparency to knock discomfort the hell out of your way.

 

Just be sure that your tone matches your intentions. For example, starting a conversation off with “we need to talk” is probably not the best idea.

 

Romantic Relationships

In case you need a little more help talking to the love of your life, I thought we could start here.

When there have been financial mistakes in a relationship they need to be acknowledged before you can move on.

First, accept responsibility for your mistakes, then make sure you show empathy for your partner’s mistakes.

This helps your discussions start in a neutral position and can help your partner accept the impending change.

A script similar to the one below can be used as a starting point to get your partner to understand your perspective.

Parental Relationships

Your money conversations do have to be like elevator rides. You don’t have to get on and off at the same floors every day. Visit different topics depending on the areas of your life that require the most attention.

 

This is particularly important when it comes to having money conversations with your parents or your children.

 

It is common to hit roadblocks when talking about finances with your family as some topics are inherently more uncomfortable than others.

 

When you are the breadwinner and you live pretty comfortably sometimes your children (adult and minor children) behave as if money falls off trees or like your paycheck is THEIR paycheck.

At times, your parents might be guilty of this too.

If this is the case, it may be time for a change.

 

That message of change may be hard for you to deliver and harder for your loved ones to hear.

 

The scripts below may be a helpful way to inform the family that a changing is coming!

 

Platonic Relationships

Are you the friend that can’t say “No”?

Do you have plans to save money but feel bad turning down a night of tequila and tacos with your best friends?

Do you genuinely just want to go because you love life and you love having a good time (plus you love tacos and tequila)?

When you don’t have the discipline to say NO, you need to empower your inner circle to hold you accountable. Give them permission to speak up when you might be falling off track of reaching your financial goals.

Talk to them about the support you need and allow them to be a part of your progress.

Using a script similar to the one below can help you get support and make saying NO much less awkward.

 

Craft your jump start script based on your own personal relationship dynamics and communicate with patience and genuineness.

Shifting your relationship with money takes time and requires patience with yourself. Getting your family on board requires, even more, patience and understanding.

 

The next time you get on the elevator, speak up and acknowledge everyone who’s on. It may feel pretty weird but you’re really just pushing past some discomfort. It’s merely a lab test and they’re the test dummies.

 

Some may respond to you and some may not, but you did your part by kicking off a conversation.

 

Over the years, I’ve had learned some pretty interesting things about strangers while on an elevator.

 

Imagine what your family can learn about you and how easy your family money conversations could be if you set the stage properly.

 

 

 

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director of The FIIRM Approach

 

Nikki is a Blogger, Speaker, and primary financial strategist of The FIIRM Approach. As a mom, 20+year financial services professional, and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ® she is committed to helping female breadwinners strategically prepare their finances for divorce and confidently maintain their financial security pre and post divorce. Nikki uses action-based education in her Bring Home the Bacon workshops and strategy sessions as well as her on-demand digital resource – Silent Preparation Series - so you can prepare your finances for life's major transitions.

TAKE ACTION TODAY & LEARN about the simple things that can help make your pre & post divorce life easier  - Grab Your Complimentary Divorce Support Pack today

 

 

Tips to Keep Money Fights Out of Your Marriage

Tips to Keep Money Fights Out of Your Marriage

Sep 3, 2017

Tips to Keep Money Fights Out of Your Marriage

Dearly beloved…for richer, for poorer…

 

 

 

Money is so serious that it’s in your marriage vows!

Whether you’ve jumped the broom or are preparing to do so, this post is to help you keep money fights out of your marriage.

Money isn’t a topic that generally comes up during the “getting-to-know-you” phase and if it does, we don’t usually spend a lot of time diving deep into it.

While I’m all about both partners preparing for the best marriage possible I have a slight bias towards women having a good pulse on their own finances because of a few key statistics:

  • According to the Center for Disease Control, women live about five years longer than men;
  • The Census Bureau reports women’s earnings are currently about 78% of men’s and women have a higher propensity to live in poverty over the age of 65 compared to men;
  • Women are known to save and invest less money over time when compared to men.

With statistics like that, I know it’s critically important for women to spend time making sure our financial affairs are in order before we get into a relationship and definitely before a marriage.

Let’s get right down to business with tip #1!

#1 Patience
Yep! Patience!

If you’re frustrated just from reading the word there’s a possibility that you don’t have enough of it (just saying).

We all know that being in a relationship requires an incredible amount of compromise and patience. Matters of the heart and matters related to money are quite similar in that way.

Have you ever tried saving for a new house, a new car, funding college AND saving for retirement all at once.

It’s like taking advanced calculus and advanced organic chemistry in the same semester!

Difficult!

It’s difficult to save for multiple big ticket items while trying to maximizing retirement and investment opportunities.

You might need to delay the purchase or rework your retirement plan all together.

A lack of patience is a sure-fire way to keep the fights going in a marriage.

#2 Discuss your individual financial principles and philosophies early & often
Self-awareness is imperative to emotional intelligence and can actually help you select the right partner.

When you’re in a relationship it’s equally important to understand your partner’s decision-making process and abilities.

A high level of emotional intelligence in a relationship allows you to be aware of your partner’s emotional health and personality while managing your reactions to their emotional energy.

It can also help keep fights in your marriage to a minimum and help you understand your partner’s financial principles and philosophies.

Learn your partner’s money route – find out how their life experiences shaped their relationship with money.

Start simple by:

Asking how they feel about money
What their earliest memories of money are
Understanding their debt situation and financial goals

Listen to my interview on the Legendary Marriage Podcast as we explore this topic more.

 

According to a 2013 Pew Research Center study, 4 out of 10 marriages are second marriages.

In second marriages, the same items are still important but there’s added complexity.

You also need to roll up your sleeves to understand your partner’s perspective on preserving, sharing and protecting the assets they already have.

Let’s be honest.  Just because they had money when you met them, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to get it. 

On top of that, it’s important to know your own perspective (see my self-awareness comment above)!

If your new union will be blessed with bonus children, do you understand what plans are in place for the children’s protection and care? Do you know if it’s more important to your partner to teach wealth building principles to your children versus living for the moment?

In the thick of love, money & marriage…

Cake topper figurines of a married couple sitting on a cake.

#3 Understand that a marriage is both transactional and relational
Maybe the comments above about preserving and protecting assets gave you the hebbie jebbies. After all, it’s not the most romantic topic.

Hold on to your creeped out hats, folks!

As you know, marriages and some businesses are referred to as partnerships.

I’ve witnessed enough business partnerships go south because of high emotions or crazy ass behavior. I’m sure you’ve witnessed a marriage or two dissolve for similar reasons.

Transactional relationships are about an individual’s self-interests and what works best for them.

Relational relationships are about long term acceptance and choosing mutually beneficial options.

So why does that matter to you?

There will be times when decisions feel more transactional than relational. It may feel as if your partner is acting a bit more selfish than selfless (remember that time you wanted to stick a fork in his eye).

The same may be said about you. I promise that those times are often related to money.

The same Pew Research Center survey mentioned above indicates that when considering marriage financial stability ranks last!

We all know that we place a muuuuuch higher reliance on emotional aspects when deciding to get married and I am not suggesting to ignore those emotions.

However, I am suggesting to be aware when emotions, traditions or the fear of losing love, prevents us from talking about less sexy, but important, topics such as finances and financial goals.

Money is already emotional and when you add the complexities of a marriage, it brings a literal sense to the phrase emotional roller coaster.

When someone decides to start a business partnership, they are concerned about the viability of the business, the opportunity to make money and generally make a difference in their families, communities or the world.

They are concerned about both the transactional and relational aspects.

Those same considerations apply for marriage.

#4 it’s okay to break the rules
There are so many rules and traditions when it comes to marriage that is often hard to keep up.

It’s also difficult to break traditions because it makes us uncomfortable.

Heck, it even makes our family’s uncomfortable.

While it’s harder for us to adapt to change, usually it’s necessary.

Here are two examples related to marriage and money.

1.You don’t have to have joint accounts
(Gasp!)

If you have different financial philosophies than your partner it may make sense to start out your marriage with separate accounts.

If you have joint accounts today and you find yourselves butting heads over money, try splitting accounts.

Some marriages have success with keeping accounts separate forever but having one or two joint accounts for household and familial responsibilities. On the other hand, some join their finances after they get a good footing in the marriage. Having joint accounts just because that’s “what married couples do” is not a good enough reason.

Regardless of the action you choose, it’s always important to make sure that each individual feels that they have some amount of financial autonomy.

2. Discussing money is not taboo
How many times have you heard it’s not polite to talk about money? Maybe you’ve been shut down when you ask questions because “it’s not the right time.”

Of course, I talk about money for a living so my comfort level is higher than most, but it’s important for you to:
– have planned family financial discussions
– assemble your personal financial team

The days of “your _____________ (insert mother/father) handles all the finances and I don’t know anything” statements should be over.

I encourage you to be a part of purchasing decisions for big ticket items as well as smaller ticket items.

I know money can be sensitive and emotionally overwhelming at times to discuss, however, I encourage you to be FIIRM and not avoid the conversations.

While marriage may be bliss, financial ignorance is truly not.

Many may say “for richer, for poorer” but I can’t think of anyone truly interested in the poorer part.

Grab your Couple’s Financial Checklist to discover the items covered in this blog post as well as some extra details to help you and your partner stay on track to keep money fights out of your marriage.

 

 

Nikki Tucker

Nikki Tucker

Founder & Managing Director of The FIIRM Approach

 

Nikki is a Blogger, Speaker, and primary financial strategist of The FIIRM Approach. As a mom, 20+year financial services professional, and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst ® she is committed to helping female breadwinners strategically prepare their finances for divorce and confidently maintain their financial security pre and post divorce. Nikki uses action-based education in her Bring Home the Bacon workshops and strategy sessions as well as her on-demand digital resource – Silent Preparation Series - so you can prepare your finances for life's major transitions.

TAKE ACTION TODAY & LEARN about the simple things that can help make your pre & post divorce life easier  - Grab Your Complimentary Divorce Support Pack today

 

 

Pin It on Pinterest