Money & Relationships: Screw Love. Are you financially compatible?

 

Originally Published: July 15, 2018

Updated: April 7, 2025

 

If you’re considering marriage or living together, it goes without saying that you love each other.

 

Well… unless it’s an indecent proposal or some other arrangement.

 

“No judgment from me – Do you!” 😉

However, it should also go without saying that money and relationships are deeply intertwined.

 

What worked for your grandparents in the ’60s and ’70s will not work well today.

Because of those facts, this post will help you understand how to talk to your partner about money and find common ground.

It will help you identify financial red flags in your relationship and learn what questions to ask to make better financial decisions. 😀

Maybe you’re a spender. He’s a saver.

Or he’s screaming YOLO. You’re asking what it means.

As a lover of romance and any solid Rom-Com, I don’t discount the importance of love in relationships and marriage. 

Hot, steamy, “can’t-nobody-tell-me-nothing” love can be fun, exhilarating, and just downright sexy.

But let’s be honest, break-ups over money… not so much.

In relationships, ignorance is not bliss. Sometimes, it can cost you when you don’t learn certain things about your partner.

 

 

How to talk about money with your partner?

 

It’s a good idea to use the topics throughout this post as a brainstorming tool to help you recognize if you are aware of your own positions.

Second, you and your partner will have to talk to determine whether you are well-aligned regarding how you handle money in your relationship.

Communicating your financial boundaries should feel safe; just be sure to tell your partner where you are willing to compromise.

When it comes to money and relationships, you won’t see eye-to-eye on everything, but that’s okay.

Another real talk moment – You may already be seeing yellow / red flags ❗, which is not uncommon in relationships.

Where you see red flags, balance getting answers and helping your partner feel safe.

 

#1 Try asking your partner when they want to talk. If not now, when?

 

#2 – When you don’t understand a response, ask “why” and keep asking “why” to drill deeper (but not more than 4 or 5 times)

 

#3—If the conversation gets too tense, take a break and finish later (days, though, not years).  

 

Why are you doing all this?

 

So you know more about the red flags and how much they will impact your future. 

Are these things you’re concerned about actually deal killers that you’d rather ignore?

Or, are you afraid to discuss specific topics because the hard truth may be that you are not financially compatible?

 

Here’s a question: How many of your past breakups should have happened sooner than they actually did?

You’re confident in your love for your partner. Let’s be equally confident that you can navigate money and relationship topics before you make a real commitment.

 

Bonus Tip: Make note of the areas where you are unsure of your position.  Consider that before you start a conversation. Otherwise,  be upfront with your partner and say you’re still figuring out how you feel about the topic.

 

Understanding Financial Habits and Personalities in a Relationship

Sometimes, your plans, expectations, and behaviors regarding money differ from your partner’s.

Hence, the shouting matches over finances.

There are ways to stop fighting over money if you are already married or damn-near-married.

Occasionally, those fights happen because your approach and habits are SO different from your partners, and no one told you:

(1) How to talk about finances with your partner and understand their money story

(2) When to discuss finances in a relationship (because timing is essential)

(3) You don’t have to follow traditional advice

 

When I was married, my spouse and I had different financial philosophies, but no significant issues because we talked pretty openly about money. 

Because our philosophies were so different, we decided to manage our money using the hybrid model early on. 

This basically meant we had some separate accounts and some joint accounts but this was very different from how his parents had things set up.

 

Check out our YOUTUBE video on this for a breakdown of how to discuss and set up bank accounts with your partner.

 

When you and your partner have financial differences, ignoring them will not improve things. 

But discussions about the “money elephants in the room” can make a huge difference. 

Maybe you already know the answers to some basic but essential questions like:

 

• Is your bae/boo/ future spouse a spender or saver?
• Can you trust your significant other to handle all YOUR money, if needed?
• Are they controlling when it comes to money?

 

Do you have answers to deeper questions about your partner and how they view money and relationships?

 

What questions can you ask your partner to understand how they view money and relationships?

 

The questions below are designed to prompt you to have deeper conversations.

Hopefully they’ll help you understand each other’s money personality and money story.

If you can get answers to these questions, it’s information worthy of remembering.

 

 

Don’t lock this information away and throw away the key –  it may save you and your partner from future money fights!

Here are the questions to ask your partner (remember you need to consider your own answers too):

• Are there financial habits of past partners that either impressed or concerned you?
• Do you think being financially compatible is as essential as being romantically compatible? Why or why not? Is money an enhancement or a hindrance to a relationship?
• What’s the biggest money lesson you’ve learned in a relationship?
• How did your upbringing shape your views on money and relationships?
• What does “financial security” mean to you in a partnership?
• Do you tend to avoid serious money talk or lean into it?  
• What are some “red flags” you’ve noticed early on regarding my financial handling?

So, what’s next?

Review the remaining categories and determine what questions you need more answers to from your partner. PLEASE don’t ask them all at once 😊

I know, I know…these types of money conversations can be emotional and uncomfortable.

Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable discussing money in your relationship is to your benefit.

 

Should You Have Separate or Joint Bank Accounts

 

There are different ways to set up your bank accounts, but the primary options are typically:

• Joint everything
• Separate everything
• Hybrid approach #1 – 1 primary joint checking account where both paychecks are direct deposited, a little goes in a joint savings account and a little into separate accounts.
• Hybrid approach #2 – 1 primary joint checking or savings account where a set amount is transferred from each of your separate accounts.

Ask your partner which option they prefer and what their experiences are with the options listed above.

The decision to have joint or separate accounts is a personal one.

However, as mentioned, I prefer the hybrid approach. It provides elements of financial security and financial transparency necessary in the modern world. 

 

How Much Should We Have in an Emergency Fund?

The traditional guidance for emergency funds is three to six months. Unfortunately, it is rarely this black and white

Emergency funds are intended to cover unexpected expenses, major expenses, and loss of income. As much as we’d like these things not to happen, they will inevitably occur.

Several factors, including your fixed expenses versus discretionary expenses, the level of discretionary income, income sources, and job security, will determine the amount of money in your emergency fund.

 

Here are a few questions to cover to help determine how much you should save in your emergency fund as a couple:

 

• When was the last time you & your partner were unemployed, and for how long?
• When was your partner’s last promotion?
  • If your partner has been in the same role for several years, there are some things to consider:
    • (1) If they have maintained certifications or continuing education credits to keep their skills up-to-date.
    • (2) If they are at the top of their pay scale
    • (3) The marketability of their skillset outside of their current employer (4) If below-average performance is an issue in their current role (thus threatening their job stability)
  • How easy is it for others to get a job in their field? If the economy is bad, finding a new job may take longer than normal.
  • How many sources of income do they have? Income isn’t just about the numbers on your paycheck. It’s about stability, predictability, and potential growth
  • How much access to credit or other income sources do they have?

 

If you’re interested in learning more saving and budgeting, join the FIIRM Hero Newsletter and Private Podcast community.

How to balance careers in a relationship?

 

When you have similar incomes, it can be a little easier to manage finances. However, just because one person is the higher earner now doesn’t mean that will always be the case.

• • Do they have plans to continue their education to grow in their career?
  • What are their career aspirations?
  • Are they at the current role’s bottom, mid-point or top of the pay scale?
  • Is there an expectation that one of you will stop working?
  • How long do they plan to be in their current position or with their current company?
    • Are they at risk of elimination or lay off?
    • Have they peaked in their career level?
    • Do they expect this to be their last role before retirement?
    • Is there minimal career progression with their current employer or role?

 

How to discuss debt as a couple?

Debt is not necessarily a bad thing. It depends on what kind of debt you have, but hopefully, it’s not a deal killer if they have a debt. As a financial professional, I know debt discussions are uncomfortable, but can also be freeing.

You can figure out how to tackle debt by asking the following questions:

• • How much total debt do they have?
  • What is your partner’s Credit Score?
  • Have they ever been sued, and what was the outcome?
  • Have they ever had a foreclosure or short sale and the circumstances around it?
  • Do they have collections or past-due student loans?
  • How does your partner feel about debt? (“striving to be debt free” versus “everyone dies with debt”)
  • Are they joint signers or co-borrowers for someone else’s debt? Do they have shared debt with others?
  • Do other people have access to their credit lines?
  • How many credit cards do they have? Do they have available credit on the cards?

 

How should you file taxes as a couple?

I don’t believe in playing with the I, the R, or the S. Maybe you or your partner do. That’s cool – discuss the best tax strategy as a couple.  

• When was their most recent year of tax filing?
• Would they prefer to file Joint or Separate returns after you get married? Filing jointly can be a blessing or a curse—understanding your partner’s tax situation helps.
• Do they typically owe or receive refunds?
• Do they understand how child support or back taxes can impact tax filings as a married couple?
  • If so, how much in do they owe in back taxes?
  • Would they be offended if you filed for injured spouse relief? (Injured spouse relief may allow you to obtain a tax refund (or a portion of the refund) when your partner’s tax liabilities would otherwise offset the refund)

 Family Support

• • Is your partner supportive or opposed to parents or other family members moving in?
  • Is your partner supportive or opposed to financially supporting parents or other family members?
  • How much is a reasonable amount of family support?
  • Do any family members currently owe you money? How much?

 

Children/Child Support

• • How much is child support being paid per month?
  • Is your partner current or in arrears with child support?
  • Are child support payments court-ordered or an informal arrangement?
  • When was the last time your child support amount was reviewed?
  • Will your custody and/or support agreement be affected if we move in together?
  • Are they willing to opt out of receiving child support after you marry? (not recommending this, btw, but you/they might want to know)

 

Financial Support for Adult Children

• • At what age is it too old for an adult child to live at home?
  • How much is financial support reasonable to provide to an adult child?
  • Should adult children pay bills while living at home?
  • What is a reasonable amount of money for an adult child to contribute?

 

Allowance

• • What’s a good age to provide allowance?
  • What items should a child be made to pay for with their own money, if any?
  • How much is a reasonable amount of allowance to provide to a pre-teen versus a teenager?

 

Children’s Education

• • Do they have a college fund or savings established for your kids (or plans to establish one in the future)
  • How does your partner feel about paying tuition for elementary or secondary school?
  • How does your partner feel about paying for college?
  • Do they want their kids to take out student loans?
  • Have they already co-signed for student loans?
  • Would your partner prefer they stay on campus or live at home during college?
  • Would they rather the child go to an in-state or out-of-state college?
  • Are they aware of the difference in cost (In-state versus out-of-state)?
  • Are they open to taking out parent loans for their college tuition?
  • Do they expect you to help fund the tuition of children born before your relationship?

 

 

What is the vision for retirement?

Retirement might sound like a distant dream, but it will be here before we know it. God willing.
Discussions about retirement plans can help you plan your golden years as a couple to ensure you both hit your goals.

 

Don’t lock this information away and throw away the key –  it may save you and your partner from future money fights!

• What do they think about Social Security?
• How dependent are they, or do they plan to be on Social Security income?
• Do they make regular contributions to an employer retirement plan?
• Do they make contributions to other retirement accounts?
• Have they taken early withdrawals from 401k, IRA, or other plans?
• Do they have any loans against their 401K?
• Do they own any stock of their employer (direct equity or Employee Share Purchase Plan)?
• How many sources of income do they think they will have in retirement?
• When was the last time they reviewed their retirement account statements?
• Have they ever had a retirement funding analysis?
• Do you plan to travel post-retirement?
  

How does your partner plan their investments?

 

Whether stocks or real estate are calling their name, it may be helpful to discuss strategy because it can significantly impact one’s financial situation.

• Are they interested in investing in the stock market?
• Have they ever lost money in the stock market or another major investment?
• How would they describe their risk tolerance? (risk averse, risk taker, or somewhere in between)
• Do they have an interest or experience in real estate investing?
• Have they ever invested in the business?
• Do they prefer to manage their own investments or have someone do it for them?
• Who do they get their investment advice from? (e.g. financial advisor)

 

 

What if your partner filed for bankruptcy?

Sh*t happens. Bankruptcy is not a death sentence. Handle the conversation with sympathy to understand your partner’s perspective and past financial challenges.

Here are a few questions to cover to help determine how much you should save in your emergency fund as a couple:

• What are their general sentiments around bankruptcy?
• Have they ever filed? How many times? How long before it’s cleared?
• What kind of bankruptcy did they file in the past? (Chapter 7 or 13)
• Do they think they have to file for bankruptcy again?

 

How should you plan travel & family vacations

• Does your partner enjoy traveling?
• Do they prefer 1 or 2 big trips or a handful of small trips annually?
• What should the financial split be (50/50, alternating, depends on who picks, etc)
• Do they prefer to travel in small groups or larger groups?
• What’s the most amount of money they have ever spent on a trip?

 

How can assets be protected before marriage or when living together?

Securing each other’s futures isn’t a buzzkill; it shows a commitment stronger than words and a goal to prepare for ‘what-ifs.

Pre-Marital Agreements

 

• Do they believe in prenuptial agreements, postnups, or cohabitation agreements? Are they willing to sign one?
• Do they have or support paying for the following insurance:
• Life Insurance
• Health Insurance
• Auto Insurance
• Property Insurance
• Renters Insurance
• Disability Insurance
• Long-term care insurance
• Critical Illness Insurance
• Umbrella Insurance

If you’re interested in learning more about protecting financial assets, join the FIIRM Hero Newsletter and Private Podcast community.

What if you plan to live together before marriage?

 

Imagine your partner wants to live in a downtown loft, while you’ve pictured a home in the suburbs. Aligning home expectations prevents future squabbles. Define who manages what, from paying bills to doing dishes. A shared vision for your living environment transforms potential headaches into harmony.

• • • How do you and your partner feel about living together before marriage?
    • What’s their view on blended families?
    • Is your partner willing to move into your place, or are there expectations to get a “new place” together? Is there an expectation to put his/your name on the deed?
    • Do they believe in traditional domestic gender roles, or are they open to anything?
    • Who should manage shared expenses or household bills? (Who pays what?)
    • How will housework be divided?
    • How will personal expenses be handled?
    • Are they open to hiring help? (lawn service, housekeeper or cleaner, handyman, etc)
    • Who should pay for the furniture and moving expenses?

 

Renting versus Owning

 

• • How does your partner feel about owning property?
  • How many properties has your partner owned in the past?
  • How many properties does your partner currently own?
  • Is your partner comfortable with only one name in the mortgage? What about the lease?
  • Has your partner had past evictions?
  • Would they prefer a longer or shorter mortgage (15 years versus 20 or 30 years)?
  • Have they ever had a foreclosure or short sale and the circumstances around it (yes, it’s a repeat from above because it’s important)

 

Whew! That was a lot!

Hopefully, you read a few of those questions and thought “Do I?”,
“Will I?” or “Damn, that’s a good question.”

If so, this post has served you well! Don’t stop here – keep going!

 

FIIRM Hero Action Steps

 

Think about the role money has played in your past relationships or even the relationships of people you know. We both know some ugly stories about people and their money fights – if you’re not interested in those, here are some next steps.

• Make a list of the topics you would like to cover with your partner. Please share this post with your partner so they can do the same. You can also check out the Money & Relationship YouTube series on our channel.
• Commit to a time and date to discuss some of the topics above (and more, if needed).
• Take your time with the topics; it can be overwhelming for you and your partner to tackle in one sitting.  Tackle topics bit by bit.
• Think about using a safe word when conversations get too heated.
• If you are already married and have been fighting over money, check out this post for a few tips to reduce them.