Starting Life Over After Divorce at 40
It would be nice if there were more movies, fairytales, TV shows, books, and stories about what starting over after divorce at 40 really feels like. We have been socialized to accept the traditional path of love, marriage, and babies, which is fantastic when things go according to plan.
But what about when things don’t go according to plan?
While the divorce rate has improved slightly in the U.S., the struggles post-divorce remain about the same.
Where are the stories that focus on women over 40 thriving after they’ve had to start over when they realize that their last marriage may not have been their “last marriage?”
This blog post will provide tips for women starting over after divorce at 40 or over 40. As a widowed mom and primary breadwinner, I understand how heavy it can feel to start over.
These tips are not listed in any particular order because, as they say, everyone’s situation is different. But by the end of this post, regardless of whether you’re one week or five years into your post-divorce journey, you’ll have tactical tips to help you take action for your next chapter with FIIRM confidence.
| 4-6 min read: Looking for the audio summary of this blog post – sign up for the FIIRM Hero Newsletter Community to HEAR what this post is all about when you don’t have time to read it. |
How to Navigate the Emotional Turmoil of Divorce to Thrive Later
You and I can agree that most people do not go into a marriage planning to get a divorce; however, it’s an unexpected reality, particularly for women over the age of 40.
Processing the emotions associated with divorce is critical, and ensuring you have the correct support is essential.
While the beginning of a new chapter can be exciting, unexpected events can occur, and it’s essential to be prepared to handle them.
If you engaged with a therapist during your divorce process, it can be very beneficial to continue seeking guidance from a therapist to help shed light on new feelings, perspectives, and challenges as you reach the end of your marriage.
For example, there will likely be some random moment (usually an inconvenient moment) when it hits you that the person who was once the love of your life is now officially your EX HUSBAND.
Or when you thought that because you still love, care, and respect your ex, you would still be friends post-divorce, but he treats you like the wicked witch of the West.
Many of us don’t realize the feelings that surface because we not only lost a life partner but possibly also extended family, friendship, and comfort.
Those feelings alone require some level of emotional support, but we may have been so caught up in the divorce process that we don’t think about a big item that catches us off guard. When marriages end until you remarry, you lose the title of wife, and for many, that means you lose an essential part of your identity.
You’ll probably be grateful to have someone support you and your emotional needs through all these conflicting feelings.
In addition to professional support, stay connected with a support network you trust who have successfully navigated divorce. A little alone time is okay, but don’t isolate yourself too much as you’re “processing” this major transition.
Building Confidence in Your New Chapter
Being a wife comes with a lot of responsibilities.
Being a parent comes with even more.
When the title of wife goes away, most of the responsibilities don’t. Plus, if you become a single mother after signing your divorce papers, you instantly climb to the top of the responsibility mountain.
Cooking – yep – we still have to eat.
Working – definitely – we still need money.
Coordinate pick-ups/drop-offs – Yep, legally, you can’t just abandon them.
Making sure the kids feel stable & secure – feels even heavier now.
But then there are other little things, depending on how you split responsibilities during your marriage.
I can never remember where the water shut-off valve is, so I purchased this little handy sign from Amazon.
I also signed up for a pretty reasonable maintenance package for my furnace and A/C because I remember how expensive they were to replace because we didn’t get them serviced regularly.
Being the sole decision-maker for so many things can feel overwhelming, but at the same time, it’s a great opportunity to rediscover your strengths and build confidence in managing things the way you think is best.
You don’t have to learn how to do everything yourself; you just have to make sure it gets done.
This makes it the perfect opportunity to follow the FIIRM Approach practice of BID A.D.O – Automate Outsource and Delegate. As a single woman, I have enough stuff to handle and every little bit of help makes a difference.
Taking time to ensure that you build a system that allows essential things to get done can help you feel confident as you navigate the next chapter.
Secure Your Financial Fill-In
Part of the process of building a system includes finding someone who can fill in for you when you are unwell, need surgery, or have something even more drastic.
This is where your financial fill-in / your financial BFF will come in handy. I spend a lot of time discussing the importance of a financial BFF in this blog post, but the quick and dirty response is that your financial fill-in is the person you trust with intimate information about your financial life.
You Likely Need a Financial Fill-In If:
- You have minor children.
- You are single.
- You are primarily responsible for managing the household finances.
- You own assets or owe debt.
- You don’t have life insurance.
It doesn’t matter if you fall into 1 category or all 5.
Hopefully, finding the right person will not take much effort. The only caution is that it probably should not be your former partner.
Sometimes, your financial fill-in is also the executor of your estate, so let’s talk about that next.
Rethinking Your Estate Planning After Divorce
Creating or updating estate documents is an essential step in protecting your financial security as you make a fresh start after your divorce.
Married women have the comfort of knowing that, in most states, with or without an estate plan, most assets default to them if their spouse dies.
But as a newly single woman, especially a single woman with young children, you need to direct your assets where they should go. Most of us think that the first step is creating your will.
The good news is that wills are an essential part of an estate plan. However, before we get to the thrills of a will, as you’re starting over after divorce, it’s important to update your beneficiary information.
You will need to review ALL accounts and update or confirm beneficiary information. Even if your divorce decree has directives for beneficiary designations, you have to take action, as things won’t be automatically updated.
ALSO READ: What if She Gets Your Money
Because beneficiary designations can supersede some legal documents, aligning them with your other estate plans is important. This may require some professional help, but you can always attempt to go at it alone first.
Expert advice, such as an attorney or online resources, can help you construct additional documents, such as your will, power of attorney, and other relevant information.
However, if you’re not sure what these important documents do or how they impact the future of your estate, allow me to explain the basics quickly.
Will – Establishes a guardian for your children and directs your assets to your heirs (family or friends)
Healthcare Power of Attorney/Living Will/Healthcare Directive – Dictates who you have selected to make healthcare decisions on your behalf and details your end-of-life directives.
Financial Power of Attorney/Durable Power of Attorney – Dictates who you have selected to handle financial matters if you are incapacitated or temporarily unable to carry them out
Saving Money for Future Security
I will assume that you made important decisions regarding your changing financial circumstances as part of your divorce process.
You have a new budget to go with your new lifestyle; however, it’s an excellent time to review your discretionary spending and find ways to save money for certain expenses.
There are many financial matters to consider, but given that your free time is limited, I wanted to give you one item to put at the top of the list.
Divorce comes with big adjustments. Granted, eating and keeping a roof over your head is quite an urgent matter. However, your assets, post-divorce, should grow as intended.
Additionally life experience has taught you that a happy life means enjoying the fruits of your labor. So I want you to take the time to do a 360 review of your finances and reduce the costs of things you have to pay for.
So that doesn’t mean no lattes. It means strategically saving money on insurance, utilities, medical expenses, and subscription costs.
Finding cost savings in these areas can be quite meaningful and allow you to build your savings for the future.
Moving in with a New Partner
Based on conversations with many women post-divorce, the feelings are mixed future relationships. Some want to find love and a new relationship as soon as possible. This can be very easy or quite difficult, depending on your social circles.
Others who are happily single are leaving a long marriage, an unhappy marriage, or worse, an abusive relationship.
However, once you find the person you would even consider moving in with, it’s important to have intentional conversations and transparent communication.
So what does this look like?
Determine what you want your new life together to look like. Where do you have strong positions versus flexibility about how your life together will be managed? How well do you understand each other financial positions?
How much outstanding debt do you have? How much time do you want to spend discussing money regularly? If you are moving into a new space, how will you document the owner of assets?
If reading these questions makes you uncomfortable, you may want to discuss many things individually and as a couple.
However, at a minimum, lines of communication should be kept open, and a cohabitation agreement should be strongly considered. This legally binding document is intended to protect you and your new partner before you move in together. It can detail how you expect financial matters to be handled in your relationship. A legal and financial professional can work with you to make fair and practical decisions for you and your partner.
Understanding Prenups and Second Marriages
If the dating scene is good to you, then you may be considering getting remarried.
Prenuptial agreements can be essential to forging a new path to a successful marriage. These agreements outline each spouse’s financial rights and responsibilities, providing both parties with clarity and protection.
A prenup can help you and your partner establish a deeper level of trust and transparency because you will be required to cover topics related to financial responsibilities, property division, existing assets or estate plans, debt allocation, and more. If you have children from a previous marriage (minors or adults), income disparity, financial assets, or real property, then a prenup can be beneficial.
Time for FIIRM Hero Action
This blog post was intended to help you better prepare to start over after divorce at 40. It provided insights into steps to take for a new beginning and opportunities to take action today.
Divorce presents a tumultuous time. The FIIRM Approach wants to ensure you have the knowledge and resources to get you through this transition. Ready to take control of your financial future? Download our Divorce Support Pack to get started with important post-divorce decisions.